A Night of Magic

December is a month of magic.....it doesn't matter if you believe in the miracle of a Virgin Birth or a fat man who travels around the world in one evening, or another miracle of oil and 8 days....there's no denying the absolute magic and beauty of this time of year.  It's the month of quieting down....of waiting and listening.  On the solstice the magic is palpable....the sky is silent, the animals are quiet and rest their bodies....everything slows down....the trees, the grass, the animals....it's a dark time in which families snuggle together on the couch.....people knit, or crochet, or felt.....they tend to bake more and meals even seem to have more magic.  It's the time of candle light and sparkle....a time of anticipation.

For me December has always meant the magic of simplicity....whether it's a long eared donkey named Nesotr, or the Little Drummer Boy....the Island of Misfit Toys or an angel without any wings who helps a man find hope for me it brings out my love of the underdog.....my love of things that shouldn't work....but they do.

December is a time where grown women play with dolls and share them with friends....it's the time when we remember the good times growing up....Red Rider BB guns.....trips to see Santa or speeding home on Christmas Eve because your dad sees Rudolph flying through the air.

I love this time of year......I love that I have a partner who embraces the beauty of this time of year.....I wait with eager anticipation to hear Santa drive through my town the weekend before Christmas.....I love that my little dog loves to open presents....I'm thankful that I have friends who help me find the beauty too.

So, on Christmas Night as I sit surrounded by gifts that were all sold or made by people we knew....or ordered by artisans through Etsy watching "It's a Wonderful Life" I wish you the merriest of seasons and hope for you that the best is yet to come.

Sunset Dog

He sits on the back porch, warming his tired bones
His hair matches the color of the leaves that are changing on the maple in the front yard.
He's slowing down.....ever so slightly....this ginger dog of mine.
But this afternoon, that isn't on his mind....he's just sitting on the back porch as the sun sets, his head drooping, his eyes closing in a nap.

I wonder if, when he dreams, if he dreams of the days when he could play without tiring.....does he dream of the days when it was just the two of us....no Corky, no goats, no angry cat.

And so, my friend, this boy who's been by my side for 12 years is turning gray.....his eyes are a little milky, but they sparkle if there's the promise of a ball....or a frisbee....or bubbles.....he limps if he's played too much frisbee....or when it's cold....but he runs through the woods like a wild dog.

I'm so thankful for my sweet Charley....this boy whose been by my side since I was 32....we've seen a lot together.....but he always has a smile for me.....and I am blessed that he chose me all those years ago.

Apple Picking Time

I've always loved this time of year....the beginning of school with new clothes and school supplies...the cooling nights....my birthday right around the corner.

What I remember about this time of year is the house we moved to when I was 14....it was a log house....not a super fancy "Sunset" house...but a simple log house with gables and a door that the man who built the house made the hinges and latch for....it was a warm cozy house that really shone in the fall....I think Thanksgiving was that houses' favorite holiday....it was born for that day.

The other thing this house had was a small orchard slope with about 8 apple trees....and what I remember is my mom picking those apples....and there always being apples for pie, apple sauce....tons of apple sauce....I don't think we ever bought it.....apple butter, apple muffins, apple anything....I even remember when I got my first apartment my mom brought apples to my roommate and I....so I made apple muffins and pie.

A few years ago, my parents sold the log house...my mom gave me her Hot Water Canner and a Ball Canning Book, and that got me canning, I made jams and jellies, but never apple butter or apple sauce because why would I buy apples for that?   I remember shopping for "baking apples" for the first time in my memory....it was so strange, why on earth would you BUY apples for a pie?  What a waste....

Fast forward a few years to our little house on the hill....we have our own orchard filled will all sorts of apple varieties....and yesterday, while I was picking my apples to make some jellies, I thought of this time of year in the Log House, and I felt close to my mom and that time....I think that was the happiest my family ever was....that may just be the nostalgia....but I remember loving coming home after school , my dog,  Sundance meeting me at the bus stop and walking up the dirt road knowing that there would be something that was appley and baked because my mom had picked some apples that morning.  I remembered how it felt when she brought apple sauce to me when I was in College.....how the taste of cinnamon and nutmeg made me think of her kitchen and the smell of the lindseed oil my dad put on the logs....I think as a preservative.

So today I am thankful for the fact that the more things change, the more they stay the same....I'm thankful that I am now the apple lady with baskets full of apples, which we will make pies and jellies and cider with....I'm thankful for my mom who made this time of year special for us, just by picking apples....and for the fact that I DON'T have to buy apples for pies this year either.

A New Path

This story really starts about a year ago, when our sweet Layla had to leave us.  At the time I was working as a Program Supervisor at a Childcare Center that offered care for homeless and transitional families....I liked the job, I love feeling like I'm making a difference, the problem was that the job was in Everett, and to get there I took "3 buses and a boat" to get there, which when you combine that with trying to run a "farm" and the stress of what that kind of job brings, I quickly began to realize I couldn't do both....and then when Layla got sick, and then when we had to let her go, and I was at work trying to run things and stay professional as our darling mamma was struggling, I lost it.  I had parked my car on "the other side" and walked over, so I could get home faster....and so after our vet came and did what he needed to do, I was left with the dilemma that my car would be towed because I parked in a spot where they tow you, and so of course I missed the boat and a bawled....I blamed Gordon for "making" me stay at a job where I was miserable.....and he was left, holding the bag...feeling like the "bad guy", when he was anything but....but he said that I needed to get a job on this side, on the Island where I could be closer to our "family" and I could better try to balance the farm and a job..h

And so I took a job in Coupeville.....a job that I despised.....but it was full time....and then I got a job offer with less hours, but it was in Langley and a place I loved....and so we decided that we could live frugally and I could work closer to home, less hours....the problem there was that I was sick a lot....which is easy when your classroom is in a basement and your have a freaky immune system anyway and you sometimes taste the coughs of kids who sit in your lap.  But I loved it.....but it didn't challenge me, and so I began to work harder on my dream of making botanical jellies....and then I got laid off from that job....and we were in crisis mode again....but it turned out that on unemployment I was taking home more than I was making at the other job because of my Program Supervisor Job....and so I pursued the "Jelly Dream" and grew some flowers and veggies for Gordon.

This Summer was an amazing Summer of exploration and discovering my passions.....I started spinning, I learned that there were more hoops to jump through than I first imagined for the jellies....but I worked on those....I wrote an article that got published.....I even ran a food cart for a day.....and then....and then.....the Youth Group at our church were taking a Missions Trip to Mt. Vernon to a Day Camp for Migrant Children.....and I decided to come with them....and as I planned and got ready the "helper" in me began to wake up again....and one thing I learned was that I am so incredibly blessed to be able to pursue so many passions....and to embrace the Maker within me, that I really need to give back, I need to find a job where I am helping....I can't continue to take, and so, although my dreams of making jellies and spinning aren't going anywhere, I also know that I need to be where I am "part of the solution"

And so, I have been given the opportunity to work as a Victim's Advocate at Citizens Against Domestic Violence and Abuse........CADA......and I am excited.....I have learned to find my passion....and I have....and through that I have blossomed and grown.....and I believe whole heartedly that I am on the Path I should be....and in the meantime I can still run our "farm" and be with my girls as they have their babies....that path hasn't changed, I just know in my heart that I have been blessed with all of those things and  husband who stands beside me throughout it all....I know I am happiest when I am making a difference....and so on this new path I thank God for all He's done for me....and the community that surrounds me....and I take another leap.....trying something I've never done before, but that I believe I can be good at.

A Beautiful Week

The youth at our church were taking  mini Missions Trip to Mt. Vernon to a work at a Day Camp for migrant children....this is a population that I have worked with in the past and who are in my heart.  So I asked the Director of Christian Formation at our church, who is also quickly becoming a very good friend if I could join them.....and so....last Sunday, the leader, one other adult and 6 teens all got into three cars and drove to Mt. Vernon.....not quite knowing what to expect.

And so the 8 of us....sometimes 9 all slept in the back of the sanctuary on the floor....we woke up early and worked in the kitchen, or classrooms, or just plugging ourselves in to jobs that needed to be done.  On Thursday we got up at 4:30 and went to work in the fields and that day did not end until 7:30 that night, myself, I was so tired that I was crying inside of my eyes....but these girls....these girls who were raised to care for other people....who all have beautiful hearts....did it....they said they were tired, but they kept on working....I have never been so proud of people, so impressed....anytime I saw them they were working or helping.....I have had conversations with people about how this generation seems to have such a sense of entitlement....they think they deserve what they have.....they don't imagine they have to work.....they don't think of other people's needs before their own.....I can't imagine being 14 and working as hard as these girls did....with smiles....sometimes exhausted smiles....but smiles.

And the kids we worked with....and the staff at the school.....I felt God's presence there......in the songs the kids sang.....their smiles...the Pastor's words.....God was there.

And so...in talking with the kids....in meeting their parents...in hearing their stories....in working in someone else's fields I learned....again....how blessed I am....to live in my little house with just my husband and our dogs....to care for just my goats.....to clean just my house.....to have the freedom to choose this life....and as I drove home and kissed my creatures.......I looked at the flowers I planted.....the "crops" I grew....my weeds and ate my very own tomato.....I thanked God....not only for what I have.....but for the girls I worked with who renewed my faith in the next generation.....for being an Episcopalian....and for the community I am part of....both on the Island....and now in the Skagit Valley.
Here's a video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVXZQzt7vM80

Becoming an Episcopalian

I grew up....well from the time I was 10 in a church.....as a teen I was very involved with my youth group and my church....I really loved the church life.

In my 20's, I became disillusioned with the Church....I didn't like some of the things I saw....the way people were treated....and so I kind of fell away from organized religion....I didn't turn my back on God....but I found Him in other ways....through being with my creatures, in nature, in the beauty around me....and I was content.

About 4 years ago I reconnected with an old friend from my church days....he had the same view on religion I did....and well he had a crush on me "back in the day"....and we dated and got married, and even in our wedding I worked very hard to make it a "secular event"....I worked very hard to keep "God" out of our wedding....I used words like "the Universe" in our vows....but Gordon's dad is a Preacher, and so there was a little bit of Jesus in our day.

And we were content with our lack of religion in our lives...but we were happy.

A little over a year ago, we began the conversation that maybe we wanted to try church again....we wound up going to an Episcopal Church a little bit away from our house.  We fell in love with the people, and I began....slowly....to invite God back into my life.  But we spent the year getting used to our church....and we really didn't make any hard commitment to the church.

Well....the Bishop comes every three years to Confirm or Baptize, as a result, there have been classes offered about Episcopal Church Basics, offered by a retired Priest, who is also a friend of ours.  And so we decided to take the classes, to learn more about our church, and why they believe what they believe....and I've loved it....I've enjoyed learning more and more about this church which is so steeped in tradition.

But as I've sat there....taking notes....reading the "Book of Common Prayer", I've begun to really think about making this commitment to this church....and the idea that Gordon and I are inviting Jesus back into our lives.  I find myself getting nervous.....not so much about the church itself....but about making God part of my life....about being part of a church again.....and how familiar that feels to me.  I'm not having second thoughts.....I'm excited....but the thing that was in my heart as a teen is waking up....maybe I'm afraid of being hurt again....the way I imagine the church did before.

But I know the Holy Spirit is there....and there in a way that is very comfortable for me....it's a quiet gently wisdom that I have in my heart.....I love the feeling I have in the church.....I love the accountability that the church offers.....I appreciate the way that the congregation has welcomed us as we are....they say, "Wherever you are in your journey....you are welcome."....or something along those lines....and we feel that....and we love it.

And so this Sunday, Gordon and I will be received into the Episcopal Church.....we will become Episcopalians.....we will be "church people" again....this is both scary and exciting....we are certainly being received with open arms.....and for that I am very excited.

Under the Maple

I can remember the Summers when I was in High School....it was before I was driving....we lived way out in the middle of nowhere and so I was left to entertain myself when I wasn't "going to town" to be with my friends.  I was a romantic girl with way too much time on my hands and a Library Card.

And so, I remember spending the hot days going to the river with my mom and sister....but what I remember was reading.

I would go out to the pasture....or the woods....or under an ancient pear tree and I would read.  I read books by Grace Livingston Hill that were written between the 20's to the 50's....I read L.M Montgomery.....Poems by Emily Dickinson....Henry David Thoreu....anyone that wasn't modern.  I remember sitting with my dog, Sundance and thinking this was the way to live your life.  (This was when the Monkees weren't on.)  I remember reading so much, it would be jarring to sit down with my family and face the real world.  I would forget what was real and what was fantasy.

As I got older, and got a car, my life got busier, and I wanted to live in the city....I wanted a different life than being so far away from the country....I wanted to live close to the store.  To be able to walk to the store if I wanted.

And so.....I lived in the city....I didn't love it.....and so as I got older I moved further and further from the city....and finally to an Island.

Well.....for the Summer I've been trying to make jellies....I've been spending my time the goats, and the dogs and I've been "making".  The other day I got a good book, and decided to go sit under our maple and to read.....and it was an amazing experience.....and as I lay on my back, looking up through the leaves to the sky I said a prayer of Thanksgiving for the opportunity to sit under a tree and read a book with my Charley, Corky and Nigel surrounding me....and I thought of the young me doing the same and how I wish I could go back and tell her how it was all going to end up....and that the city wasn't the thing she was born for.

Nigel the Wondercat who Believed in Himself

Last January I discovered that the cat who lived in our crawl space, who wasn't our cat, but the cat of Wabi Sabi Hill, whom we affectionately have called Dahlia, wasn't really doing her job because I discovered signs of rodents in my kitchen....aaggh.....understanding that we have goats and live next to a restaurant this could be expected, but I was still disturbed, and so I told my husband, "we need a cat". And so the search began.
In February we went to NOAH in Stanwood with one cat in mind, but Gordon chose the cat he felt would be the cat we needed.
And so we took home the cat we called Nigel. Nigel tore his way out of the transport box and spent the rest of the trip sitting on my lap.

When we got Nigel home we realized that he was enormous and when he played with the toys we got him, he would lay on his back and bat at them....with great vim and vigor....but he wouldn't run and jump and play. We decided....Well....he's definitely a Stewart. When he went outside for the first time, we laughed because he couldn't climb a tree. My friend came over and said, "That cat won't be able to catch a cold".
And so Nigel got into our hearts.....he is decidedly Gordon's cat and welcomes people to the restaurant and has found his way into our hearts.
But....this cat whom we thought was really not a mouser has left little gifts for us on the walkway, but I still really didn't think that our "fat cat" was the one doing the work.
Well....this morning as I sat on my porch drinking my coffee I watched Nigel with a mouse in his mouth and I watched him tease the mouse and chase the mouse and kill the mouse. My heart is overwhelmed with pride at our fat cat who I really didn't believe would be the mouser we needed believed in himself, and is a fine mouser.....who catches way more than colds here on our little hill.

The Beasts of Gordon's

Years ago when Gordon and I were keeping company, he made me a beautiful meal at the restaurant....it was a Monday, so it was just the two of us, and he created a feast and "took me around the world" with flavors and textures.....I don't remember the specific foods he served, but what I do remember was going for a walk with him around the restaurant and standing in the herb patch and looking over at an abandoned house next door and as Gordon hugged me (we weren't to the kissing stage yet) I realized that I had found my split apart....and so in the embrace of my old friend, I looked over and saw the boarded up yellow house and I made a wish that someday we would live in that house and create a "farm to table" restaurant where I would provide the meat, cheese and veggies for him.

Fast forward 4 years and we're in that house, and I realize that I don't have the financial means to make all those dreams come true.....but in our small way we are realizing that dream....I grow some of his flowers.....some of his veggies....and we house the "Beasts of Gordon's"

As most of you know we have our little menagerie of animals here on Wabi Sabi Hill.....2 beautiful goats, 2 dogs and a splendiferous cat....all of which feel that the restaurant is just an extension of their home.

There's sweet Charley who when I need to run over to the restaurant, and the doors of the house are open, I tell him to "stay" and he does.....usually.....but every now and then I will leave the kitchen and will see a customer, usually a "regular" holding a frisbee....smiling as Charley has invited them to engage in a quick game either before or after dinner.....I'm sure it aids in digestion.

There's darling Corky.....who is deathly afraid of the kitchen and all it's sounds....but if he gets over there and I find him, is usually getting a quick belly rub from some patron.

There's Nigel who greets customers and I've heard from many people that they see him or he has come by.....one time Gordon had to bring him home because he had walked into the dining room.....and why not....he IS Nigel.

But the best is my girls....these timid creatures who when we were getting ready to bring them to our house, they would hide behind their mamma and would have to be coaxed with peanuts and  evergreen branches just to let us touch them.....these girls are apparently show girls.....they ADORE attention.....and one day when I had let them out while I was cleaning their house (just around dinner time) they found their way over to the restaurant.  And so I came over with their garbage can filled with peanuts (which usually makes them do anything I want) and as I was trying to entice them with peanuts, they heard their friend Analiese laugh....and so they ran to her.....Gordon came out of the kitchen and so they ran to him.....and just then some guests were coming to have some dinner and Gordon went to greet them, and he was surrounded by our goats, dogs and cat....all of them being fed, petted and adored by these people who'd never been.  It was difficult to get the girls to leave the party....they were STARS!!!!!!  Which is funny because I always sing the song "Sisters" from White Christmas to them when I'm feeding them....and so they were Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen surrounded by fans.

With the help of the chef, I did get them home....but it took some doing....the LOVED the spotlight.

And now I am leash training them so at least they can be completely under my power if they go to visit patrons again.

And so....the vision I had of a "Farm to Table" place is.....as it is with most things.....not what I planned....but what I needed....and all of these creatures who came to us timid, scared, a little shy have all grown into the life of the party.....just like their papa....Mister South Whidbey himself....and I don't think I'd have it any other way.

Embracing the Inner Child

For "Throw Back Thursday" I found a picture of me when I was around 7.  I'm looking at the camera with a confidence...I don't ever remember having, my hair is in braids...I'm sunburned and freckled.  I'm wearing a bikini and have a flower in my hair.

When I showed the picture to Gordon, he said, "You still have that look."  I laughed because I realized that the only reason he sees that look is because he has embraced me with so much love that I can feel like that little girl.

I've spent a lot of time thinking of that little girl.  I know that her life was kind of scary....she had parents who were alcoholics.  I know that little girl had moments of absolute terror....I know she was shy and socially awkward....she was also at times bratty.  I know that she was looking for something to make her feel safe.

And so that little girl grew up....she tried being the "good girl"....she tried hanging out with guys who were gay and then she could "feel safe"....she spent some time mad at God.....and then one day....on Facebook she found an old friend who was living HIS dream and she wanted to find that friend and to know what that felt like.

So...she did....and as they were waist deep in Puget Sound....she discovered that he was looking for someone to make him feel safe too.

And so this woman found a man who helped her find the little girl in the picture....the one looking at the camera with confidence....and ironically because of the love of this guy she knew this little girl came out in full force.   The little girl who loved gingham and "Little House on the Prairie" and wanted nothing more than to live "simply" to make things like yarn, and butter, and cheese....who wanted to grow things and spend her days caring for goats and dogs and learn how to can pushed her way through.....the little girl knew that there was good in the world....that she could trust straight guys and call herself a "maker'...and that it was OK to curl up with 2 dogs and a cat at night.

The grown up Kaycee is grateful for her amazing man who found her.....took her to an Island and said, "Go ahead....you can dream here."

And so I say to all the grown ups out there, who maybe felt scared or ashamed or angry as children.....find the moment when you didn't feel that way....talk to that friend and let them know they can come out.....and see what magic comes from there.

They Didn't Knock Each Other's Head Off

Yesterday we took the dogs to the beach.....it was beautiful because it was the first time we've taken both dogs to the beach and Corky went into the water, and got up to his chin....he was brave and he trusted us.  Charley caught sticks in the water and seemed to really enjoy himself too.  After the dogs tired themselves out we went to our chairs and I read and Gordon napped.

While reading we noticed two school-aged boys playing.  I was enjoying them play because they weren't my charges.....the only responsibility I had was to call 911 if the boys knocked each other's heads off.  So, I sat back and watched.

Being a person who doesn't have children, but has spent her entire professional life working with children, I've very seldom had the opportunity to just sit back and watch kids do what they're going to do without intervening.....and so, I sat back and watched these boys' play unfold.  And it was fascinating to me.

These two boys playing in the water at the beach were being wild...just playing in the water.  On the beach there was a stick in the sand, the smaller boy pulled the stick out and announced, "I have Excallaber!!!!"  The other boy watched him as he danced around flinging this stick....I have to admit this was pretty hard for me because I've been conditioned (because I care for other people's children) to redirect this kind of play.  This boy did not appear to have any idea where his personal space began or ended....he spun the stick in the air.....once I let go of the need to remind him to be safe with his stick, I sat back and watched....and it was fun.

Finally the other boy found his own stick and the two began to do sword play with their sticks.  And they played, every once in a while the smaller boy would say, "New rule, you can't hit that hard!" and the bigger boy would not hit as hard.  They started splashing and hitting with their sticks.  I was riveted.....I had to know how this was going to end.....because the logical ending would be that one of the boys would knock the other boy's head off.....I've always kind of believed that without adult intervention, that would be what would happen.  (I need to digress in that I have worked with children who would be capable of knocking the other child's head off with the stick....or I have worked with children exposed to violence and having another child come at them with a stick would be overwhelming and they might react).....and so I watched this play continue.

And now this game they were calling "War" involved mud throwing....and they threw, but then the smaller boy said, "New rule, you can't throw mud"....and the bigger kid invoked the newer rule:  "New rule, you CAN throw mud!!!!" and so this went on for a few more minutes, and finally the bigger kid started walking away, the smaller one yelling, "You CAN'T just LEAVE war!!!"  and the bigger kid said, "But I am."

And so the game was over.....I was fascinated to see that the game ended without someone getting hurt.  They were allowed to explore the sticks and the mud and play violently (no mention of video games or TV shows).....they problem solved....and the game ended when it became boring to the older kid.

This was amazing to me....these two boys played in a way they would never be able to in a group setting.....they played violently....aggressively.....the way boys want to play, but so often are told they can't.  I loved it....and I was proud of these boys who played with sticks and didn't get their heads knocked off.

Something for me to think about.......

The Beauty of Old Friends

Yesterday was my "Bosom Friend's Birthday".....we decided that we could get together with some of our friends from our youth to celebrate her special day....and so....because two of the women live in Eatonville and University Place, we decided to meet at a place in Tacoma to "meet in the middle".

And so, 5 women who were friends when they were in High School in Arlington got together.

What was so beautiful was that although it felt like time had passed....we were obviously older....but there was a ease to being together.....there was a beauty....it was like life had happened, time had passed....but our hearts had stayed connected in the way it only can when you've begun your life with a group of people.

We talked....we remembered things....we shared our lives and our stories.....we were Kindred Spirits.

And so...there we were....a Mom who has homeschooled her 4 children.....a Pastor's Wife with 5 beautiful children and dogs.....a Social Worker with 2 gorgeous darlings....a Middle School Teacher with grandbabies.....and a Jelly Maker with goats, dogs and dreams.....what I loved most was that I believe that we are all adored by our loving husbands.

What I know is that I am blessed by the friends I have in my life.....and I am blessed beyond measure by the girls who stood by me and loved me when I was a chubby girl who was a bundle of insecurity and a quirky sense of humor.

And so....Sharanne, Bonni, Cara & Kim....I am blessed to have had you by my side in my teens....and I am blessed to know you now.  Thank you for being part of what made me who I am today.

And as the Birthday Girl and I drove to the ferry, with "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" playing on the radio, and we talked of the serendipitous moments that led to her dating her husband of 20 years this June, I smiled and said a silent prayer of thanksgiving for this girl who has stood by me through all the serendipitous and not so serendipitous moments that have guided my life....I can count my good friends on both hands.....and for that I am eternally grateful.

When Lilacs Last in Dooryard Bloomed....again

Lilacs are my favorite flower.....I planned a wedding around them.....I've always measured the passage of time by them.  It was one of the many reasons I chose to live in the house we live in.  I wish I had thought about ventilation.....good storage.....something a little more practical then a really cool attic and lilacs....but I digress.

Last year I wrote about "When Lilacs Last in Dooryard Bloomed"....I talked about the poem by Walt Whitman and the stress and joy that went into planning our sweet wedding.....and I find that once again I am taken in by the beauty of the lilacs that are blooming in our door yard....and how again my life has changed so dramatically.

When the lilacs were last in our yard blooming....I was remembering our wedding....but I was also looking forward to a beautiful Summer ahead of us....I was looking forward to breeding our young goats, and finding a way to balance having a full-time job off Island with the life I was trying to build here on our hill.

This year, we decided not to breed our goats.  We decided we wanted to have a milking space built and be better prepared for the ups and downs which come from raising goats.  And so we have our young goats who are very spoiled and who we walk around the property with.  They are a joy and a pleasure to share this space with.

Unfortunately, we have more lilacs this year than last, because we lost their mamma last Summer, and because she loved to eat the lilacs we put her beneath the lilac tree and Gordon planted one just for her.....and it's blooming.....and it reminds us of our sweet Layla who shared just a small bit of time here on Wabi Sabi Hill.

This year I am devoting my time to our hill.....I'm making jelly with the blossoms from our tree....and other jellies and am learning to spin....and crochet....and am planting beautiful things in our garden to share with my beautiful husband at his restaurant....and so I guess I feel more like a farmer than I did last year....and we are one step closer to "living off the fat of the land".

And so today, as I was planting and smelling the lilacs on our tree....and I noticed lilacs brewing in their "tea" so I can make some jelly...again....I feel thankful for the lilacs that in my door yard bloom.....I sit next to them....drinking a beer my husband made....watching the goats who next year will be mammas and I thank the Universe....God....for all that we have been entrusted with.  And I look forward to what next Spring brings our way.....and I am forever thankful for the man who took my hand in May of 2012 and became contractually obligated to share this beautiful life.

Discoveries

Today was spent outside....Gordon did some mowing....I weed whacked....and did some planting and some weeding.  he last few weeks while weeding the herb garden, I've noticed some plants that I thought were our nasturtiums that got moved by the cat, or had gotten pushed down by the rain.

Today I was out there again and I noticed that they were getting bigger, and I wondered if maybe they were mint plants that I had planted last year and they got rototilled somewhere else.

But today, I was looking at them....I noticed that it seemed that the slugs and snails were maybe munching on my sweet little plants, and so I grabbed a leaf and tasted it....it wasn't minty, so I wondered.....I pulled out the plant and I discovered a little radish on the bottom....so....for some reason that I can't even fathom...rogue radishes are growing there.

And the other discovery I made today, while cleaning out the goat house, I was yelling to get the girls away from my strawberry plants (I yelled so loud that Gordon heard me at the restaurant)....so I got them away from the same strawberry plant they have pulled out 5 times so far.....I shut the gate and walked over to my lilac bush.....the prized tree on our beautiful hill.....I noticed that the blossoms are blooming.....what a beautiful acknowledgement of Earth Day......things are coming together on our hill.  Very very excited.

Dandelion Picking

This morning I woke up with the realization that there was nothing that HAD to be done today.  That's not to say there was nothing to do....there was lots to do....but I had the luxury of choosing what I would do.  And so, because the ground was still wet, but I wanted to be outside, I decided to pick dandelions for a batch of jelly I wanted to make.

One of the beautiful things about being a Jam Maker is that is really slows your seasons down.  Your life is not just divided by the 4 Seasons, it is divided into mini season....seasons within seasons.  You watch for signs that the berry or fruit, or in my case, flower that you want to make a jam or jelly with is beginning it's life.  You see strawberries long before the berries are ripe.  You look for the tiny blackberries that come long before blackberry season is here.  When you're at the Farmer's Market you look for the beginning of Tay Berry Season, and Raspberry Season.  Well....I've been watching the dandelions with the same intensity.  I have to say that it has been very interesting.  I've learned that they close up at night like any other flower.....that they really just look like Sunflowers that don't have the seeds in the middle and that they are really a very beautiful flower.

And so today I set my mind to picking dandelions.  So, I looked for the best patch (which wasn't hard to find because I have got a bumper crop this year) and I began to pick.  I found myself lost in the picking.  I began to think of people I know who need prayer....my Father-In-Law....my mom....people I know and love.  I listened to the sound of Charley's collar and felt his beautiful presence with me.....I listened for the goats and was aware of where they were.....and I thought of my Grandmother, Signe, whose family came to Whidbey Island from Norway.....and how she would be proud of me picking dandelions to make a jelly.  It felt like something she would do....something women probably did during the Depression....I thought of Ma Joad and all the characters from "The Grapes of Wrath" and how this would have been a luxury for them to have to time to pick dandelions, cut the greens from the flower, and make a jelly.

I watched the bugs who were affected by my picking....the black spiders, the weird looking bugs whose name I don't know....and I even thought of Monsanto and RoundUp and how this was maybe my way of standing up to them....I need these so called weeds....I'm going to make a tasty jelly with them....and with that jelly I will be able to maintain the lifestyle that Charley, Corky, Nigel, Cali and Daisy have grown accustomed to.   So "good day to you Monsanto" I said.

I guess this is the beauty of "living off the fat of the land".....the ability to slow down and connect with what you're going to eat.....to pick it, spend 2 hours cutting it.....and eventually eating it and sharing it with the people you love.

And so today I am thankful for the dandelions that live in my yard....and all the creatures that call our little hill home....and for the God who created it so that I could share it with all the creatures He/She put in this spot right now.

The Zen of Just Having to Clean

I am a hideous housekeeper.....there are just 50 million other things I would rather do....so it's something I swing through on Saturdays.

But, because I have ADD (decidedly without the hyper part of it) it turns into a story like "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie".  If Kaycee is cleaning her kitchen she will see the copper pills and remember that her goats need a copper treatment.  If she goes outside, she will see that the wind has blown about the starts containers she is incapable of throwing away.....if she looks for starts containers, she will notice that the dahlia bed still needs to be weeded, so she'll start weeding the dahlia bed, and then she'll remember she wants to make dandelion jelly, and so she'll go inside to get a basket for the dandelions and chances are, if she goes inside to get a basket, she'll realize that her kitchen needs to be cleaned....

And so today I decided that the only thing I will do is clean the house, and I am focusing on one room at a time and when my mind wanders, I remind myself that this is what I am doing, this room right now.....and I feel like I am accomplishing a lot....and it feels good.  It's good to know that the starts containers, the copper treatment and the dahlia bed and dandelion jelly will wait.....today is cleaning day, and this is what I want to accomplish today.....and it feels good to bring myself back to this task.

And to me, the girl with ADD who would rather do 50 million other things than clean her house, this is a blessing and a joy.

On the Eve of Change.....Again

Last September Gordon and I made the decision that I would leave my job in Everett for a job with less pay, and less hours so that I could be close to home....close to our babies.....and closer to my dreams and my passion....creating a space for my creatures.

In the mean time....or maybe during that time, a good friend and mentor suggested that I start making floral jellies....she offered her help and support to make a good business out of it.  I listened and then put that on the back burner.

And so I worked at my job....met some great people and even some who again really put a fire under the idea again, and really helped me find the Maker within me, along with this awakening I had, I also learned how to spin and crochet and I began to have these passions come out in me I didn't even realize I had.

 Well....Spring started to come to our little hill and the idea started coming back to me....so I started the ball rolling....in my very slow Kaycee fashion, figuring I would get things done this Summer and Spring, and I would work a my job and grow some veggies for Gordon, etc.

Two weeks ago, I had a chat with my supervisor and she let me know that they were going to have to lay me off.  At first I was worried, I didn't know how I was going to tell Gordon....I didn't know how we were going to make it....but as the initial shock wore off, I realized I was given an amazing opportunity to do the things that only seemed like a dream....and how things have been in my life, I have been given the opportunity to make my dream a reality.....I may fall flat on my face, but I have a Summer to figure it out....before I found out I was going to lose my job, I was talking with my friend about this dream and she told me there comes a point that you have to just jump on the train and take the risk and make it happen.....and as the case with me and the Universe, I was basically told, this is it....jump or walk away....and so I am jumping, I'm going to try it....and because my sweet husband is behind me and I have been blessed with amazing friends who are also behind me, I may just succeed.

And so today, as I was at my last "Team Meeting" and we spent a few minutes talking about my plans, I realized how much I will miss this group of women I have spent the last 6 months with....their friendship.....the way we worked together to create an amazing space for our charges to explore and learn.....I will miss the kiddos, their dramas and joys.

And as I stood under our maple, planting hops I looked up and thanked the Universe for this amazing opportunity.....and I took a deep breath and had Wabi Sabi Hill embrace me and welcome me to the next installment of this beautiful journey.

Knowing Where Things Come From

Today I went to visit my friend at the place where she is starting a fiber mill....we went into a space where she has her spinning and weaving things along with some of her yarn.

We sat and talked....I worked on spinning some yarn....learning the craft....and she began a weaving project while we listened to Carly Simon, Simon and Garfunkle and all other singers from the 70's on her record player.  We just hung out.

It was an amazing way to spend a late morning/early afternoon.  I'm in the middle of a big transition in my life.  I'm being laid off from my job but everyone I talk to feels like it's a great thing, it's an opportunity for me to make my dreams come true....the garden....our hill....my jelly....all the things I hold dear to my heart are things that I could try to make a living doing.....it's the push the Universe is giving me to stand on my feet and do what I say I want to do.....I'm excited and nervous....and find myself feeling exhausted on this gloomy Saturday, but when I was sitting with my friend, and we worked with fiber it all felt OK....and we talked about how the world could be a better place if people just knew where their stuff came from.

Of course, it's important to know where your food comes from.....to make mindful choices around what you put in your body, and to buy your food locally and as much in it's natural state as you can....and when you garden or raise chickens or beef it helps you realize all that goes into what you're eating.....but why not take it a step further.....learn to make cheese and butter.....know what it takes to make your car run....understand how clothing is made, even how the fabric for your clothes is made.....maybe you don't need to crochet sweaters for your children out of wool you harvested from your own sheep.....but just understanding the process helps you understand the importance of quality....and when you buy even those things as locally as possible your are supporting your neighbor and your community.

When you know how to change the oil in your car it makes it easier to understand the basics of an engine and when something goes wrong you understand better what is causing that....not that you need to fix it, but you can be a more informed consumer.

Anyway.....I guess it's all about getting back to basics....about slowing down.....making jam all Summer as you wait for each berry group to ripen....it slows your life down and you're better able to enjoy each moment of your life instead of waiting for the next big event.

Just some thoughts from a girl in the heart of transition.

Life Does Go On

I've been sick this week....and so I've spent a lot of time watching the news....learning more and more about the landslide in Oso....hearing reporters talk about the river I grew up on....floated down on....taught Charley to swim in....and my heart broke.  I didn't directly know anyone who lost their home or life....I didn't have to evacuate all our creatures, or wonder about what happened to Charley, but living in a small town you learn very quickly that what effects one effects all....I know it even more now that I live on an Island which is like a small town wrapped in a small town.

Today I went outside to muck the girls' house....and get some fresh air....to let the dogs get some fresh air.  I sat on their milking stand watching them, I noticed all the new growth that has started since I was outside earlier this week....I noticed the lilac bush Gordon planted on Layla's grave is starting to bud....our apple and pear treas are waking up.....the nettles are bigger.....life here is moving on.

And that is what came to my mind...Life Does Move On....next year the road to Oso will be fixed, the river will continue to flow.....people will still have lost loves of their life....they will live somewhere else.....things will never be the way they were before.....BUT life will move on....and there will be other disasters in other places, and we will rally behind them....but because we are who we are we will flow....like the river....different but with the same intention.....maybe even stronger.....wiser.....but we will flow on.

He's a TV Star Too

Well....we have a local TV station....Whidbey Telecom TV.  Today they did a show where Gordon was given baskets and was judged by a local celebrity.....David Ossman.  The show was called "The Chef and the Comic".  It was so much fun to watch and to try and stay out of the way.

All of the baskets were ingredients which were locally sourced, including oysters the size of my head.....lavender honey from Lavender Wind Farm....Glendale Shepherd Cheese....and stinging nettles...even MY Green Tea Jelly and Dave's wife's Smoked Tea Plum jam.

I didn't do a very good job of documenting the event because I was in awe....and I was trying to stay out of the way.....but it was so fun.

And I realized how proud I am of my chef....and what he can do in 3 20 minute increments.....and I am proud of the bounty of our Island you can even find in March....we live in such a beautiful place.

Lavender Jelly

 When Gordon and I were planning our wedding, we decided to have jams and jellies for each table as gifts for our guests.  And so I spent a year and a half making jelly and jam.....and what I discovered is that I LOVE making jams and jellies.....and more than that I think I'm pretty good at it.

The wife of Gordon's mushroom guy suggested that I make lilac jelly because that was what my flowers were going to be.....and I found a recipe on a website and I made it....and I had one of those moments I've been having a lot of since I met my sweet husband....the moments that I find that little bit of passion.

My friend and goat mentor suggested that I maybe start making botanical jellies....and that planted a seed....and I'm sure to her frustration.....I waited....and let the thought fester......and then I met another friend who rekindled the "maker" in me....and I made some Green Tea Ginger Jelly....which I shared with people (used them as beta testers) and the maker in me grew even more.

This morning I woke up to sunshine....and when there's sun and the feeling of Spring.....and Spring is 3 days away.....I decided I wanted to make some botanical jelly.

But alas.....March in Western Washington is not known for having flowers growing....except for daffodils which I can't imagine would make very good jelly.....and so I raided my pantry....and what I found was...

 Lavender Wind Whole Culinary Lavender.....and so I soaked the bag of lavender in 4 cups of hot water for about 6 hours

And then I strained the lavender into the cooking pot.

 And I added 2 packets of liquid pectin.....and brought it to a boil.

And then I added 8 cups of sugar and brought it to a boil for 1 minute

And then I put the jelly into jars and put in my hot water processor for about 20 minutes.....and voila!!!  Lavender Jelly from Wabi Sabi Hill using local Lavender.  

What I have learned is that it is very sweet....so I think we will cut it lemon next time...but here it is....Lavender Jelly.....look at that color!!!!

Wabi Sabi Afghan

So....I threw my back out last Sunday.....I'm 86% sure I did it because I danced to C+C Music Factory....but it was bad, and I experienced the most back pain I have ever experienced in my life, and I have had back surgery.

Of course....I did this during the most beautiful week we've had this year, and it killed me.  I was home from work and had nothing to do but sit and watch TV.  The first day I didn't leave my bedroom because I didn't want to know it was such a beautiful day.  But my soul was aching....I wanted to be out in the sun planting or digging....or being with my creatures.  I couldn't even climb the stairs to my "Making Room" so I could do something up there, or at least water my veggie starts that are growing up there.

BUT....I have a basket of yarn....yarn from projects like "cheater knitting" a hat and scarf for Gordon, or my niece years ago....yarn that I learned to crochet with and the yarn I used to crochet 2 scarves for me, after I began to learn to crochet.

I am a novice when it comes to crocheting, and so I really don't know how to do anything more than the squares I've crocheted or the 2 scarves I made, but I thought "I want to make a blanket out of my yarn"

And so....lying in bed.....and eventually sitting on the couch....I began my project using stitches I made up because they worked.....I still don't know the name of them....or if they are even stitches....but I did....I made a square using the pinkish yarn I used for my first scarf, and then crocheted around that using the orange yarn I learned to crochet with....and as I did that I realized my square was crooked (I didn't really count).

But I realized that the blanket was Wabi Sabi....Perfectly Imperfect....the whole philosophy Gordon and I base our lives on....and so I worked on this piece, realizing that everything about it was imperfect....but it was still beautiful....and it's made with yarn I have loved and kept over the years....even a small piece of the first yarn I ever spun....And like this life I live with my husband, our scary cat....or old dog and our little dog who doesn't know how to be a dog....and our  goats who really are perfect, but live in a house that is not, this blanket is also not perfect.  It would never win a prize at the fair....I wouldn't even know what to say the stitch I used was....but it's beautiful to me, because of the imperfections...there are missed stitches and I'm sure I connected the yarns incorrectly but it is mine....it's the work I started.

And yesterday, I used the last of the yarn I had, and I decided to not go to the craft store to get more yarn....I have decided that my blanket will be a work in progress, and when I find yarn for projects, or find fiber that I spin myself or other yarn that just speaks to me, I will add it to my blanket.....my Perfectly Imperfect blanket that is a reflection of me, my "farm" and the life I share with my husband and all our creatures here on Wabi Sabi Hill.

And it will join the afghan made by my Mother-In-Law....the one made for us by Gordon's Aunt Ida as a wedding gift and the one my best friend's girl friend made for him years ago that somehow wound up in my collection....and it will be proud and treated as well as any piece of art that adorns our little sunlit living room.

Daffodowndilly

She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,

She wore her greenest gown;

She turned to the south wind

And curtsied up and down.

She turned to the sunlight

And shook her yellow head,

And whispered to her neighbour:

"Winter is dead."

~AA Milne

It is with a joyous heart that I announce that our beautiful daffodils are blooming on Wabi Sabi Hill.  It is an important event in our little herd.....not only does it mark that Spring is on the way....and I plan to celebrate by planting potatoes in tubs this weekend....but it also is the 1 year anniversary of our sweet girls' life with us....the anniversary of when we truly became a herd.

Certainly we have learned a lot in the last year....and we are not in the place we envisioned when our girls first joined us.  We have no pregnant girls....or kids.....or Layla.  But I think we are on track of where we need to be....and we are wiser.....and in love with these girls in ways we never thought possible.  

And so on this Friday Night, I celebrate the daffodils in my yard....and now in my vase.....our beautiful girls.....our crazy cat, and this beautiful life filled with lessons and moments of sheer joy.

Making Room

When Gordon and I were "keeping company" he would talk about "passion"....I would always wonder what my passion was.  If someone had asked me, I would have said, "Keeping kids safe and giving them the childhood they deserve."....but when Gordon and I started seeing each other, I was unemployed, and I really didn't feel like that was my passion.  And so, he would talk about it, and I would wonder, "What is MY passion?"

And so, the thought was placed in my head, and I wondered......"What is my passion?"

Fast forward to now....this life I live with my husband, and what I know is my passion is nurturing our place, our creatures, and of course....the children in my charge.....and now through all of this I seem to be nurturing the creative side of me....the side I really didn't think existed, but because I love a man whose passion is very evident....I feel that he is nurturing MY creative side.  And so I have begun working on my "Making Room"....it is not Pinterist Worthy....but it is mine....and it's more than a Sewing Room....it's where I have fiber, and stamps, and all kinds of things in it and I think I am feeling more creative because I have a space to create.

Anyway.....I am so excited about my sweet space where I can make things, and grow things and enjoy our sweet space.....and make it prettier.

My Chef

I'm grateful for my husband for so many reasons....but this weekend it hit me as I was sitting at the table at Gordon's on Blueberry Hill with a woman I've known since childhood, her partner, her daughter and grandchildren and I watched everyone at the table savoring every bite....sharing....enjoying.....and I thought, "This is my husband's work."  I think I forget....or at least take it for granted that every bite you eat of his food is amazing....his knowledge and understanding of flavors....his inspirations.....his passions....all come together to soothe and awaken your palate at the same time.

And I don't think it's because they were there with me.  I meet people on the street and they find out who my husband is and they say..."Oh my....we LOVE Gordon!" and then they'll tell me what they're favorite meal is.

Not only is he a good "cooker"....he's also a teacher and mentor to every kid who's ever come in for a job, and who could make it through the back breaking labor of working in his kitchen.  He cares about them, trains them, helps them.....and when the time comes, watches them "fly away" from their "little nest".

If Gordon weren't my husband, I would still love his food, and want to know him, and the mind behind his amazing meals.

I just wanted to share what this talented man brings into this world.  (Not to mention he's also a first class dog carer, goat wrangler, and wife helper.)

Letting Go

I've been spending time with a new friend, who is a spinner, and she has been teaching me about fiber.  Last week I went to her house and she let me sit at her wheel and try my hand at some spinning.  As I sat there, with the fiber in my hand, pushing the pedal she said to me, "You have to let go."  I looked at her and said there is something so spiritual about that, and she said absolutely.

And so....this week I've been practicing that....feeling what it feels like to let go....and I have found that there really is a lesson in that.  There are so many things we have to "let go" of.  For me it's the dream of a little "Baby Stewart".....that Charley is not 3....and some day will have to leave us.  It's that 3 year olds LOVE the word "No"....and that's their right.....that MS is part of my life and none of us have any guarantees.

I think really, our whole lives we have to "let go"....we let go of the illusions we have of lovers.  We "let go" of what we thought our lives would look like.....we "let go" of our childhood, we watch our parents age and we realize we need to "let go" of the idea that they will live forever, and we switch places, and eventually are the care givers.

And in this "letting go" we realize we gain so much more....if we are patient we learn that there was something so much better than we ever imagined.

And so, today, I am thankful for the things I've had to "let go" of have come back to me in ways I never thought possible, and I enjoy that the act of "letting go" will all in all make me a better spinner.....and for that I am grateful.

I Did It!!!

I have always wanted to knit or crochet....I've had some people teach me, but it never stuck.  And so...when I went to the Spin Off and saw people spinning and came home and told Gordon I wanted a spinning wheel, he told me I should probably learn to knit or crochet.  And so I went to You Tube and tried to learn, but it still didn't work.  And then one night when I couldn't sleep, I saw the way crocheting worked....and it made sense and I tried it, watched the video again, and I did it.  It took me 3 weeks to make my first dish cloth, and then I thought "I crochet" and I looked at some patterns and realized I had a lot more to learn.

And so I practiced dish cloths....

And then I found a tutorial for a scarf....and I tried it....and I made one!!!!!!

And so....me the girl who loved fiber but only could felt now has a skill that she can use to make things.  And I feel proud.

Both my sister and my mom are good artists....I can't draw to save my life....and so as a result I've never thought of myself as artistic....I can cook and bake but I'm not creative, I can follow a recipe.  I sew, but it's the same thing, following a pattern and then you get what you want.

For some reason this makes me feel creative and artistic....I've built something with my hands....and it's one more skill that allows you to simplify....and so I also realize that sewing and writing and eventually spinning require the artistic talents I thought I was lacking....artists come in all shapes and sizes....I've learned that from my own artist husband.

And so tonight I celebrate that I have a skill that I've wanted to have my whole life....and tomorrow when I'm freezing my bum off with my co-workers, I will have a scarf that I made to keep my ears and head and neck warm....and I will be proud.