Summertime

I came home today a little bit sad.  Fall is my favorite time of year, but this year I find myself a wee bit sorry to see it end.  It's been a Summer beyond measure.  I think this Summer I've learned so much.....we've learned so much.  I learned that sand really needs a lot more support to help things grow....but I've still loved my little garden....and next year I'll be better prepared....however....I also had my first crop of tomatoes that actually turned red....the first year of my gardening life that I have had a surplus of tomatoes.....made me a little proud.

So tonight I came home, let the girls out and I said good bye to our little garden with the ripe red tomatoes (well, those have been eaten).....I smelled the leaves and thanked our little garden for how hard it worked....the girls hovered....hoping for a bite of the things I was picking and pulling.....they enjoyed what we called "goat corn" because it never really got big, but they liked it, and there were lots of corn leaves for them to eat....and we got a couple cobs out of....and Gordon and I savored those few cobs like they were oysters, fresh out of the sea....and we were content.

I looked at Layla's corner, and I thought of the other lessons we learned this Summer.....how we learned that goats break your heart even if you haven't known them that long.....we learned a bit more about saying good bye more about parasites than any book we could have read, or did read.  I also learned to trust our girls and they learned to trust us.....we've become a heard.

I also learned about priorities....that having a full-time job with a 3 hour commute isn't really conducive to goat farming....or garden tending.....or "nest feathering"....I learned that my husband supports the decisions I make....even if he wouldn't make the same decisions....he supports and loves me beyond anything I deserve or could ever dream of.

So I stood in my weedy end of season garden smelling tomato plants....surrounded by my dogs and 2 sweet goats and I listened to the geese fly over....and then I realized the new stage is coming....I have a new job where I am closer to home...and feel content....and coming soon our girls will get pregnant....and we will go through our first winter as goat people and we will watch them change and grow....and in the Spring there will be new goats on our hill and we will learn even more new things that you really can't read about....you have to experience.  And maybe one of those babies will have markings like their grandma, and we will smile about the "circle of life".... and then we'll start milking, and the dream will come to fruition.....and in the midst of all of this we will order new seeds, and make new garden plans....and we will try again.....smarter....with greater understanding of the pros and cons of our little hill.....and because we are who we are....we'll cling to each other and smile and laugh and cry through all of it....because that is who we are....so good bye Summer.....thank you for an splendiferous time together.....we look forward to meeting you again....wiser.....calmer....better prepared.

Oh.....and now it's time to celebrate the apple bounty here on our hill.....and all the things that go along with that....including a splendiferous early Birthday gift that will just add to the fun here on our little hill....stay tuned :)

Bliss

Well, as I shared earlier, I decided to leave my relatively well paying job in "town" to take a job in Coupeville, for less money, but I thought it would be nice to be closer to home, and without the commute I'd be better able to spend more time caring for my girls, my dogs, my garden and my husband.  Well, after a beautiful weekend at a lake, I started my new job last Wednesday.  Well....after about 1 hour there, I realized I had made an enormous mistake....I was screaming inside....I couldn't believe I had made this choice....I felt like a failure....I felt like a quitter.....I wanted to sail across the sound and sit in what used to be my desk and look at people when they looked at me quizzically and say, "Oh....I just wanted  a vacation and didn't have any more leave."  The only thing was, a very qualified co-worker had taken my position....and so I couldn't do that to her....but I felt completely lost.

And then I got a call from the center I had left to work at Tomorrow's Hope....I had applied for the position of Program Supervisor there but didn't get the position.  The director there was offering me a position, with less hours than I was working in Coupeville, but with the promise of more hours in the future, and the opportunity to sub on the days I wasn't working.

I called Gordon and told him I couldn't do the job in Coupeville, but I had just gotten offered a position in Langley, and it was fewer hours, but I'd have Mondays off....so we'd be guaranteed a day off together, unless I had to work, but we had that choice.

Gordon has an incredible work ethic (the reason he has a restaurant with his name on it....his motto is "15 minutes early is on time....on time is late"....he would never ever just up and leave a job without ever giving notice....he probably wouldn't take a job like I had....so he wouldn't be in that position.  He works his rear off daily....sometimes working 12 hours a day without a break....he drops everything to cover a shift of someone who can't make it in.....he's committed....and even if he was working for someone else, he'd be the same way.

And so, here I was telling this man...to whom work is everything....that I can't do a job that I shouldn't have taken anyway.....but he said, "I would never do that....but you need to do what you need to do."

And so I took the job....not knowing if I could go back to the place in Coupeville.....and I went back for the rest of the day (this was my second day)

I went home with a sense of peace about leaving, just not knowing what I would be able to do with the other job....but with a start date of 1 week later.

Gordon saw how I felt, and I think it made him feel a little better....knowing I had made a mistake.

On Friday I went back to work.....and during my lunch I saw some friends from church....they asked me how my new job was....I told them I was leaving and that I found a job better suited to me even closer to home....I didn't complain....but they knew what I was trying to say....or I imagine that they did....and somehow talking to them made me feel even better about my choice.

Long story short I sent an email to my boss on Friday night saying I wouldn't be back....I just couldn't/  In my defense she had been out all week and so I couldn't talk to her.

And so today....the eve of my "First day of school...part 2....I'm spending my day cleaning....listening to music and watching my girls, my dogs, my sweet little life here.....I'm filled with excitement....peace and gratefulness for this little life I have....and that although my husband doesn't agree with the fact that I couldn't go back....or that I'm taking 3 more days off.....he still loves me....supports me....and smiles because he believes in me and my heart and in the fact that I am closer to home....and that I have a little more flexibility to deal with emergencies here....and during kidding season I'll be able to go to work knowing I haven't slept and I'm tired and excited, but I don't think there's a group of co-workers who would be more understanding....and I'd be 15 minutes away so I could run home on lunch and feed our new babies...and I'd have a great story to share with the kids on my class.

So...again....here I sit....feeling grateful for an amazing husband who smiles at his foolish wife who always seems to land on her feet....and is able to live the life we both dream of....even if we will have to scrimp and save a little more to make it happen.

And this morning, I went with him as he got things ready at work and we danced to Tom Waits in the kitchen and kissed and he said, "You can do this more if you're working on the Island"....so we both know this was a good choice.

The Old Gray Goose

Last weekend Gordon, the dogs and I stayed at a Lake House on Alder Lake outside of Eatonville.  We had an amazing time together....we sat on the dock, I read....Gordon fished....we truly relaxed in a way I didn't think was possible.  Gordon searched for this place with it's glassy lake that was so quiet it hurt our ears, and at night we saw more stars than either of us had ever seen....and it was like we could see the curviture of the Earth....we lost ourselves there.
On one of the days we went for a walk.  We had both had a nap and when Gordon wakes from a nap he has tons of energy....and so with his energy we took the dogs and walked along the road that went by the lake.
While we were walking we came across a Gander....the reason I noticed him was because I wasn't sure if he was wild or not, he just looked beautiful....he was also very vocal....we wondered why he was by himself and not with his gagle....and then as we got closer, we noticed his girl....she was laying down and he stood by her.  It took us a little bit to figure out that she was sick, and we really didn't know what to do.  But we knew we couldn't interfere....and so we watched them for a few minutes...the Gander squaking, his mate just lying there.
This picture stuck with me....I'm not sure why, but just the beauty of a male standing by his "girl" as she tried to get better....it felt like he was keeping vigil.
The next day we came by, and there he was facing the lake, and she was lying next to him...dead....but because geese are the way they are....he was still with her.....he was mourning her.  Even my girls didn't mourn their mamma....they missed her, but they didn't say goodbye in a way that we did....they seemed lost for a bit, but not sad....this guy was sad.
And so we went back to the house and talked about him, and thought about their life together....I wondered if he would die with her.
We had to go back to town and so I brought a baguette with us to feed him so he didn't starve during his vigil.....when we got there he was gone, just his girl there by the lake....not her but her shell.
For most of my adult life I have argued with people about whether or not animals have souls....I have always known they do....I've felt it when animals have "left"....I felt it when Layla left....but for a wild creature to sit by his "girl" like Gordon would for me....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have them....and that they go to Heaven because they don't choose evil....they are pure....and like Will Rogers said, "If dogs don't go to Heaven, I want to go where they do."
And so that night at dinner, we prayed for the Gander....I sang "Go Tell Aunt Rhody", and we enjoyed the quiet of our lake even more, feeling reverent about the Goose and her Gander who stood by as long as he could.
I know that animals don't dwell, but I wonder if he thought of her as he flew, if he felt the emptiness of her lack of presence....if he missed her.  I hope he's doing better now....I hope he's found a group, or his group and is getting ready to fly south....and I know she's watching over him....grateful to have found such a mate.....we should all be so blessed.

The Eve of Change

I'm sitting here, a beer, thinking about what tomorrow brings.  Tomorrow I say good bye to a job that has defined me for a year.  I have ridden 3 buses and a boat to a job where I support teachers who teach children who suffer trauma through homelessness, drug addiction, abuse, or any other number of frightening situations.  It really has been my dream job....the culmination of my education, passion, experience and interest.

I have had the pleasure....most of the time....of working with a group of women who put their hearts and souls into their work....they sacrifice time with family, time cleaning their homes, time spent doing other things caring for these little lost souls.  They are doing all the can to help these sweet souls find the way....they are the "protective factors" in these kids' lives.

I will miss the busyness of the place....I will miss the daily puzzle of scheduling, care team meetings, phone calls and emergencies....I will miss the camaraderie that comes from the kind of work we do....I will even miss the drama that comes from 20 passionate women come together and do what they are born to do.

I've decided to leave the job because I want to be able to spend more time feathering my nest, caring for my creatures, and supporting my husband.   I'll still be working, but I'll be closer to home, working fewer hours....also choosing the path of less stress so I can continue to keep MS at bay.

I'm excited about my new adventure....I don't regret ever taking the job "in town"....I met some women I hope to stay in touch with and hope to always call them "friend".  I'm excited about being able to be with my girls when they bring new babies into our "farm"....I'm excited about spending more time in my garden...excited about taking on new adventures, closer to home, creating, building, nurturing.

The quote I put on the "Monday Memo" this week hit my soul, it says:  "You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices.  And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are."  It's from Mister Rogers, and I think it sums up the reason I've decided to leave.....this life is short, and sometimes you need to do what will help you be more of who you are.  That is what I believe I am doing....I am making a choice so that I can focus on the dream of here....I realize I am blessed to be given that choice.  I am blessed to have the life I share with my loving husband, our beautiful dogs, our adorable goats and our little yellow house.  I'm thankful for the next leg on my journey.