The Year of the Goats

So tonight I sit on my couch.....drinking martinis....watching the Twilight Zone Marathon I reflect on the past year and all that it has brought with it.  It was my first full year of life as a married woman.  It has been an absolute blessing to spend this year with a very special man who is a friend....a split apart....a guy who understands me more than anyone I have ever known....and he gets me completely....and yet he still seems to enjoy my company...and for that I am eternally grateful.

For Christmas last year, Gordon got me goats....and so a dream of decades came true.  And so this year, the focal point of the Stewarts was goats.  The first 3 months of the year were spent planning housing, building housing, figuring out where they should go, learning what goats do.  And then in March Layla, Daisy and Calendula came and joined our herd.  And I was in bliss.

What we learned was that all the books in the world can't show you what real life shows you.  And so in August our Layla got sick....well she had been sick....but she got sicker and I sat with her, called her "other mamma", prayed, talked to the vet and the heart wrenching decision was made to let her go.

And all this while I was at work....across the water....and I became angry....and our vet came back so I could be with her when her time came to leave us....and I left my car on the other side.

And so at 11 o'clock at night as our sweet mamma lay in her house...well her remains were there....I bawled in the ferry station saying I can't do this any more....We both can't work 60 hours a week and expect our goats to be OK....and so I gave notice and applied to 2 jobs on the Island....one I wanted, one with benefits but at a horrid place.

In the midst of this goat life, other things happened....we started talking about chickens....Gordon ran for "Mister South Whidbey" and the fair came and went, and I won a blue ribbon.....and we found a church home which only has helped us, as a couple and individuals....knowing and trusting in something....someone bigger than yourself only makes for a more peaceful existence.

We spent a long weekend at a lake by Mt. Ranier and our souls were renewed.  We sat at the lake with our dogs and did nothing else....Gordon fished, I read....and we just let our souls refill.

I took a job closer to home without the benefits I had grown accustomed to.  But I loved it....I love it....and I relish in the fact that I have a 15 minute commute.

Gordon became Mister South Whidbey.....we pressed apples and made hard cider....oh and for the first time in my life my tomatoes ripened....the rest of my garden was horrible....but the tomatoes were beautiful....next year will be better.  I had always thought I was a good gardener, it turns out I just had good soil....but you live and learn.

And so....as we come to the end of this amazing year....a year full of goats, dreams, hand made gifts, illness, sadness, joy, victories and clinging to each other as we have fierce conversations about difficult things....I think how we've grown....as a couple....as two people with strong wills and passions and minds of our own.  I'm grateful that in the balance of life, we have come out on top....continuing to be grateful for the beauty of our Island, our humble simple home filled with a garden that creates yummy peas and tomatoes and horrid stringy carrots, 2 dogs who enjoy frisbee, beaches, mushroom hunting and sitting on the couch....3 goats (2 still running around) who run and play when we let them out....who follow me everywhere and like to watch Charley catch frisbees and balls as Corky barks and runs.

I'm wiser....better....more in love....and grateful for each and every miracle I shared with my husband on this little hill between a bay and a highway....all kept together by my husband's passion and the restaurant that will always keep us away from each other on New Year's Eve.

Thank you Wabi Sabi Hill.....God....Gordon....Layla....Cali....Daisy.....Corky.....Charley....the Ferry...my Honey Bears for teaching me lessons and giving me so much to be grateful for.

The Longest Night of the Year

December is such a magical time of year....and the change of season is my favorite.  There is something magical about the way things are this time of year.
It's a time for silent reflection....for gratitude....a time to celebrate family, both our family of origin and our family of choice.

As a family Gordon and I work very hard to remember what this time is about....it's not about presents, it's about the sweetness of this time, about keeping Christmas in your heart.

And so this year we made our own gifts....felting, crocheting, sewing, baking, making Limoncello.  I've ordered a few things on line....none of which are here....but they will be....or they won't.

As a gift, Gordon had a customer who is also one of Santa's elves come over and meet the girls and find out what they'd like this season.

And so tonight....everything is not done....I yelled at a woman from UPS (it really is their fault)....I'm fighting a cold....and I'm sitting by my tree on the shortest night of the year and I am remembering all we have, and all I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful for my parents, my aunts uncles and cousins, my sister and her amazing children.

I'm grateful for my inlaws...the fact that we are all still here....able to tease each other and love each other....I'm thankful for the babies who've come into our lives this year (both our friends and families)....I'm thankful that all the babies I know who have come into this world this year have a circle of love and support and I never worry for their futures because they will be supported and loved and taught by adults who have their best interests in heart.

I'm grateful...as always....for my amazing husband and his smile....his support and his love.  I'm thankful that when I am sick he does all he can to help me get better....he even says to me "Today will be a resting day....don't do anything."

And so I ramble...sitting on my couch surrounded by my sweet boys and my girls are in their house warm and cozy....waiting....waiting....for Spring, for Santa Paws, for us to play with them.  My husband is at work doing what he does and we wait and prepare for our Holiday Celebration.  And we are grateful for this quiet gentle life we share.

Princesses

On Sunday I was with my husband having my birthday tea, wearing a tiara and we were discussing getting a princess book for our friend who's going to have a baby girl this year.  We discussed whether the mom would want her daughter to have a princess book, and I remembered when I worked as a Director at a Childcare Center in Burlington and I got it in my head that the little girls shouldn't play "princess".

My thinking was that fairy tales aren't real....and the "handsome prince" is never going to come and rescue you....so there's no point using your imagination on such frivality.....that girls need to be strong and take care of themselves....they must know that they are the ones who will rescue them...they can't rely on some "guy" to do it.  I very quickly changed this for the simple fact that all children need fantasy, and imagination and dragons and dinosaurs and crowns and capes and all the things that make childhood what it is.

But.....if I were to be completely honest with myself....what made me so opposed to "princess play"?  I loved it as a child.  I would spend hours standing on the hearth of our fireplace lip synching to "Cinderella", "Snow White", "The Wizard of Oz" and dancing to "The Music Box Dancer" or acting out "Little House on the Prairie" (this was in between lining up my stuffed animals and giving them names and taking attendance).....fantasy was my whole life.  Pretending that I was a beautiful princess, or a strong prairie girl with a dog who didn't need a leash was what I clung to.....I was waiting for my prince to come....and to rescue me....and I certainly wanted to "Live Happily Ever After".....or at least make my own butter and be with a dog who didn't need a leash.

And so my life moved on....and as a socially awkward chubby girl with weird wavy hair I quickly learned that "Love was meant for beauty  queens....and not ugly duckling girls like me".....and I soon figured out that there was never going to be a prince on his steed who was going to sweep me up and take me to his castle.  And so I think I got a little bitter.  In my twenties my friends all married and I felt just a little stuck and still awkward, and so I went to gay bars with my friends....went to school got a job with a retirement plan because again I knew.....I wasn't going to find "true love" so I better take care of myself....I would have guy friends....but not a guy who loved me more than anything....certainly I was not destined to ever be someone's princess.....and my handsome prince was going to be a beautiful red dog with a fox tail who DID love me more than anyone else (and he didn't need a leash)....and I think I was content....but jaded....and certainly against any idea of "Princesses and Princes".

But then....when I was about to turn 40.....everything changed......my prince came.....he took me to a magical land that I was carried to by "ferries"....he had a gray "steed" and he showed me that dreams do come true.....I had forgotten.....he turned me into a believer.  I even got to be a "princess" for a day at our beautiful wedding.  And our "Happily Ever After" consists of goats who will be milkers....and we will make cheese with that milk....and dogs without leashes.....and cider presses and mushroom kits......our castle is a little yellow house that doesn't hold much heat and hardly has any storage....but it's "our'n" and we love it.....and yes things aren't perfect....but what is?  And he even wears his crown and has a robe.

So I wish I could go back to 36 year old Kaycee thinking she was doing right by the girls in her center and say, "Dreaming is good"....certainly Disney is too commercial....but princesses aren't bad....it's the kind of play that you only get once in a lifetime.....and just because the dream isn't exactly like it is in the books....it's still a dream.....and it's what makes a girl powerful and beautiful.....and yes there is disappointment.....but life IS beautiful....and if you quiet down and listen, you can find the beauty....and you can dream....and your dreams can change....but they can come true.....and there is a "Somewhere over the Rainbow"....and it can be right in our own backyard.

Thank You St Francis

Today was the day we celebrate St Francis.  He is certainly my favorite saint....I believe he probably was a little Wabi Sabi.....he certainly didn't fit in...he preached to birds.....and he believed in Social Justice.  He is someone I certainly connect with.

And so today in church they talked about him....and this afternoon they had a Blessing of the Animals.  And so I brought Charley and Corky back to church....sweet Charley loves our church yard....I like to think he loves peaceful places....he quiets down and seems solemn.

And so Charley, Corky and I went to the Blessing....we read and responded....we prayed and Charley and Corky were blessed by our Priest....who is an animal lover himself....as we prayed together as a group for animals and creatures everywhere....those who are lost, or suffering, or dying....and I thought of my sweet Layla who has left us...and I thought of the boys who are my charges and all they do for us.  As I took in the beautiful surrounds of our church grounds...the statue of St. Francis....the trees the people.  And someone asked if the blessing helps animals go to Heaven....what is this for?  I thought about that while we read and prayed and repeated....why do I do this?  It's my covenant with my creatures.....it's what reminds me the pact I made with them....when I saw each of them in the shelter....the promise.....I guess that I made to their Creator.....that I would care for them, I would give them warm places to sleep, I would keep them clean and brushed and fed and most of all I would just be the place where they can be safe, and have fun, and know that they are free of any fear or danger or harm.  That is why I bring my boys, and wish I could bring the girls....to remind me of my promise to them....and to thank them for the promise they have made to me....to be with me, listen to me, keep me safe.....and walk with Gordon and I on this journey.
And when the time comes, I will be with my boys.....I will hold their head in my lap and I will kiss them, and thank them, and wish them well as they leave this life they had with me.
And the other part of St. Francis for me, is his prayer, and how I have a covenant with the other beings around me....to help them....to co-exist and be a "part of the solution" in this very dark and frightening world.
"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.  Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.  Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled and to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.  For it is giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and is in dying that we are born to eternal life."  That is his prayer.....and I think that if Charley prayed in the way we do, this would be his prayer.
And so as I picked apples, he ran in the field and played I watched him enjoy this beautiful day and I thanked his Creator for entrusting us with a beautiful red dog named Charley, a goofy blonde boy named Corky, a strong willed goat name Cali and a sweet goofy girl named Daisy and a bigger than life chef who believes in my dreams so much that they become my own, and helps to make them possible.

Summertime

I came home today a little bit sad.  Fall is my favorite time of year, but this year I find myself a wee bit sorry to see it end.  It's been a Summer beyond measure.  I think this Summer I've learned so much.....we've learned so much.  I learned that sand really needs a lot more support to help things grow....but I've still loved my little garden....and next year I'll be better prepared....however....I also had my first crop of tomatoes that actually turned red....the first year of my gardening life that I have had a surplus of tomatoes.....made me a little proud.

So tonight I came home, let the girls out and I said good bye to our little garden with the ripe red tomatoes (well, those have been eaten).....I smelled the leaves and thanked our little garden for how hard it worked....the girls hovered....hoping for a bite of the things I was picking and pulling.....they enjoyed what we called "goat corn" because it never really got big, but they liked it, and there were lots of corn leaves for them to eat....and we got a couple cobs out of....and Gordon and I savored those few cobs like they were oysters, fresh out of the sea....and we were content.

I looked at Layla's corner, and I thought of the other lessons we learned this Summer.....how we learned that goats break your heart even if you haven't known them that long.....we learned a bit more about saying good bye more about parasites than any book we could have read, or did read.  I also learned to trust our girls and they learned to trust us.....we've become a heard.

I also learned about priorities....that having a full-time job with a 3 hour commute isn't really conducive to goat farming....or garden tending.....or "nest feathering"....I learned that my husband supports the decisions I make....even if he wouldn't make the same decisions....he supports and loves me beyond anything I deserve or could ever dream of.

So I stood in my weedy end of season garden smelling tomato plants....surrounded by my dogs and 2 sweet goats and I listened to the geese fly over....and then I realized the new stage is coming....I have a new job where I am closer to home...and feel content....and coming soon our girls will get pregnant....and we will go through our first winter as goat people and we will watch them change and grow....and in the Spring there will be new goats on our hill and we will learn even more new things that you really can't read about....you have to experience.  And maybe one of those babies will have markings like their grandma, and we will smile about the "circle of life".... and then we'll start milking, and the dream will come to fruition.....and in the midst of all of this we will order new seeds, and make new garden plans....and we will try again.....smarter....with greater understanding of the pros and cons of our little hill.....and because we are who we are....we'll cling to each other and smile and laugh and cry through all of it....because that is who we are....so good bye Summer.....thank you for an splendiferous time together.....we look forward to meeting you again....wiser.....calmer....better prepared.

Oh.....and now it's time to celebrate the apple bounty here on our hill.....and all the things that go along with that....including a splendiferous early Birthday gift that will just add to the fun here on our little hill....stay tuned :)

Bliss

Well, as I shared earlier, I decided to leave my relatively well paying job in "town" to take a job in Coupeville, for less money, but I thought it would be nice to be closer to home, and without the commute I'd be better able to spend more time caring for my girls, my dogs, my garden and my husband.  Well, after a beautiful weekend at a lake, I started my new job last Wednesday.  Well....after about 1 hour there, I realized I had made an enormous mistake....I was screaming inside....I couldn't believe I had made this choice....I felt like a failure....I felt like a quitter.....I wanted to sail across the sound and sit in what used to be my desk and look at people when they looked at me quizzically and say, "Oh....I just wanted  a vacation and didn't have any more leave."  The only thing was, a very qualified co-worker had taken my position....and so I couldn't do that to her....but I felt completely lost.

And then I got a call from the center I had left to work at Tomorrow's Hope....I had applied for the position of Program Supervisor there but didn't get the position.  The director there was offering me a position, with less hours than I was working in Coupeville, but with the promise of more hours in the future, and the opportunity to sub on the days I wasn't working.

I called Gordon and told him I couldn't do the job in Coupeville, but I had just gotten offered a position in Langley, and it was fewer hours, but I'd have Mondays off....so we'd be guaranteed a day off together, unless I had to work, but we had that choice.

Gordon has an incredible work ethic (the reason he has a restaurant with his name on it....his motto is "15 minutes early is on time....on time is late"....he would never ever just up and leave a job without ever giving notice....he probably wouldn't take a job like I had....so he wouldn't be in that position.  He works his rear off daily....sometimes working 12 hours a day without a break....he drops everything to cover a shift of someone who can't make it in.....he's committed....and even if he was working for someone else, he'd be the same way.

And so, here I was telling this man...to whom work is everything....that I can't do a job that I shouldn't have taken anyway.....but he said, "I would never do that....but you need to do what you need to do."

And so I took the job....not knowing if I could go back to the place in Coupeville.....and I went back for the rest of the day (this was my second day)

I went home with a sense of peace about leaving, just not knowing what I would be able to do with the other job....but with a start date of 1 week later.

Gordon saw how I felt, and I think it made him feel a little better....knowing I had made a mistake.

On Friday I went back to work.....and during my lunch I saw some friends from church....they asked me how my new job was....I told them I was leaving and that I found a job better suited to me even closer to home....I didn't complain....but they knew what I was trying to say....or I imagine that they did....and somehow talking to them made me feel even better about my choice.

Long story short I sent an email to my boss on Friday night saying I wouldn't be back....I just couldn't/  In my defense she had been out all week and so I couldn't talk to her.

And so today....the eve of my "First day of school...part 2....I'm spending my day cleaning....listening to music and watching my girls, my dogs, my sweet little life here.....I'm filled with excitement....peace and gratefulness for this little life I have....and that although my husband doesn't agree with the fact that I couldn't go back....or that I'm taking 3 more days off.....he still loves me....supports me....and smiles because he believes in me and my heart and in the fact that I am closer to home....and that I have a little more flexibility to deal with emergencies here....and during kidding season I'll be able to go to work knowing I haven't slept and I'm tired and excited, but I don't think there's a group of co-workers who would be more understanding....and I'd be 15 minutes away so I could run home on lunch and feed our new babies...and I'd have a great story to share with the kids on my class.

So...again....here I sit....feeling grateful for an amazing husband who smiles at his foolish wife who always seems to land on her feet....and is able to live the life we both dream of....even if we will have to scrimp and save a little more to make it happen.

And this morning, I went with him as he got things ready at work and we danced to Tom Waits in the kitchen and kissed and he said, "You can do this more if you're working on the Island"....so we both know this was a good choice.

The Old Gray Goose

Last weekend Gordon, the dogs and I stayed at a Lake House on Alder Lake outside of Eatonville.  We had an amazing time together....we sat on the dock, I read....Gordon fished....we truly relaxed in a way I didn't think was possible.  Gordon searched for this place with it's glassy lake that was so quiet it hurt our ears, and at night we saw more stars than either of us had ever seen....and it was like we could see the curviture of the Earth....we lost ourselves there.
On one of the days we went for a walk.  We had both had a nap and when Gordon wakes from a nap he has tons of energy....and so with his energy we took the dogs and walked along the road that went by the lake.
While we were walking we came across a Gander....the reason I noticed him was because I wasn't sure if he was wild or not, he just looked beautiful....he was also very vocal....we wondered why he was by himself and not with his gagle....and then as we got closer, we noticed his girl....she was laying down and he stood by her.  It took us a little bit to figure out that she was sick, and we really didn't know what to do.  But we knew we couldn't interfere....and so we watched them for a few minutes...the Gander squaking, his mate just lying there.
This picture stuck with me....I'm not sure why, but just the beauty of a male standing by his "girl" as she tried to get better....it felt like he was keeping vigil.
The next day we came by, and there he was facing the lake, and she was lying next to him...dead....but because geese are the way they are....he was still with her.....he was mourning her.  Even my girls didn't mourn their mamma....they missed her, but they didn't say goodbye in a way that we did....they seemed lost for a bit, but not sad....this guy was sad.
And so we went back to the house and talked about him, and thought about their life together....I wondered if he would die with her.
We had to go back to town and so I brought a baguette with us to feed him so he didn't starve during his vigil.....when we got there he was gone, just his girl there by the lake....not her but her shell.
For most of my adult life I have argued with people about whether or not animals have souls....I have always known they do....I've felt it when animals have "left"....I felt it when Layla left....but for a wild creature to sit by his "girl" like Gordon would for me....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have them....and that they go to Heaven because they don't choose evil....they are pure....and like Will Rogers said, "If dogs don't go to Heaven, I want to go where they do."
And so that night at dinner, we prayed for the Gander....I sang "Go Tell Aunt Rhody", and we enjoyed the quiet of our lake even more, feeling reverent about the Goose and her Gander who stood by as long as he could.
I know that animals don't dwell, but I wonder if he thought of her as he flew, if he felt the emptiness of her lack of presence....if he missed her.  I hope he's doing better now....I hope he's found a group, or his group and is getting ready to fly south....and I know she's watching over him....grateful to have found such a mate.....we should all be so blessed.

The Eve of Change

I'm sitting here, a beer, thinking about what tomorrow brings.  Tomorrow I say good bye to a job that has defined me for a year.  I have ridden 3 buses and a boat to a job where I support teachers who teach children who suffer trauma through homelessness, drug addiction, abuse, or any other number of frightening situations.  It really has been my dream job....the culmination of my education, passion, experience and interest.

I have had the pleasure....most of the time....of working with a group of women who put their hearts and souls into their work....they sacrifice time with family, time cleaning their homes, time spent doing other things caring for these little lost souls.  They are doing all the can to help these sweet souls find the way....they are the "protective factors" in these kids' lives.

I will miss the busyness of the place....I will miss the daily puzzle of scheduling, care team meetings, phone calls and emergencies....I will miss the camaraderie that comes from the kind of work we do....I will even miss the drama that comes from 20 passionate women come together and do what they are born to do.

I've decided to leave the job because I want to be able to spend more time feathering my nest, caring for my creatures, and supporting my husband.   I'll still be working, but I'll be closer to home, working fewer hours....also choosing the path of less stress so I can continue to keep MS at bay.

I'm excited about my new adventure....I don't regret ever taking the job "in town"....I met some women I hope to stay in touch with and hope to always call them "friend".  I'm excited about being able to be with my girls when they bring new babies into our "farm"....I'm excited about spending more time in my garden...excited about taking on new adventures, closer to home, creating, building, nurturing.

The quote I put on the "Monday Memo" this week hit my soul, it says:  "You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices.  And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are."  It's from Mister Rogers, and I think it sums up the reason I've decided to leave.....this life is short, and sometimes you need to do what will help you be more of who you are.  That is what I believe I am doing....I am making a choice so that I can focus on the dream of here....I realize I am blessed to be given that choice.  I am blessed to have the life I share with my loving husband, our beautiful dogs, our adorable goats and our little yellow house.  I'm thankful for the next leg on my journey.

Happy National Dog Day

I really don't know how we could let a day like today pass without sharing what my precious boys mean to me....celebrate the dogs of Wabi Sabi "Farm".

First there's Corky....Corky was a rescue who came to us by default.  For some reason Gordon and I were in Everett and I said "Hey, let's stop by the pound and see if there's a dog there."  This was before Gordon and I were married, and I think before he learned to tell me "no"....and so we did.

We stopped by and looked at the dogs.  We had been having a conversation about getting an "heir" for Charley so that when it was his time to leave, our house wouldn't be empty....and we wouldn't get a dog on a whim.  Gordon said he wanted a Golden Retriever, and so we went to the pound to see if we could find one.

I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Universe brings you the creatures you need, not the one you think you want.  And so we walked around the corner and there was this pathetic creature huddled in the corner of the room....of course I was drawn to him because he was so sad and pathetic.

We took him out, introduced him to Charley and immediately he started wagging his tail and being friendly.
We left him to discuss what we would do....Gordon had a meeting.

Well, long story short we took Corky home.  He had already been brought back to the pound because he was afraid of stair...."Oooh" I thought...."A challenge"  We even had a hard time getting him out of the building because he was afraid of grass too.

Gordon named him Corky after his dad....and Corky became part of our pack.

 It's been a long 2 years with Corky.....he has a heart of gold but has never really learned how to be a dog....and so we've taught him how to potty outside, and we help him succeed by leaving him in a kennel....he gets stressed out at dog parks because of the other dogs....and probably the grass....but he loves going to the bank or coffee stand or ferry but never eats the treats given to him.  He is fascinated by horses and goats and tries so hard to engage the goats in play, but he would never do that with another dog...except Charley.

Corky has been known to walk in the front door of the restaurant when we're home.....he loves people.....he loves us.....he tries like no other dog I've ever known to be a "good boy".  And if I cry he licks my face and watches me with his little Havanese Ears tilting his head to see what's wrong.  Corky needs us.  I imagine that there are very few people who would put up with peeing and fright juice on the couch....he's one of a kind....and we are blessed by our little "Golden Retriever".  Sorry, Gordon.....maybe next time.

 And now there's Charley.....there really isn't enough room in this blog to tell you how special this boy is to me.  He is my split-apart in a dog.  There's nothing he wouldn't do for me.  There's nothing I wouldn't do for him.

He was also at the pound....I remember him putting his back against the cage and looking up at me.  I know that took everything he had because he is so shy.  I then took him out and and we played ball....he sat on my foot and then layed on his back to show what a good boy he was.

I remember the day he met Gordon, and I was so worried how I would introduce them because he has never been very welcoming to new people in his life.  I was walking behind the both of them and he looked back at me with a giant smile as if to say "Yup, we like him".  I knew we were a family.

He fence fights, doesn't like kids, and is obsessed with balls and frisbees.....but he is the second greatest thing that has every happened to me.  If it is possible to share a soul with an animal, he shares mine.  He's been a friend, he's been a companion.  When I was first diagnosed with MS, and I was sick and weak, he was the one who knew I was getting better, and after weeks and weeks of not playing ball, one day he brought the ball to me, and I threw it.  He was the one who pushed me.  He's loved me thin, fat, poor, happy, sad, and now blissful goat herder.

So today we celebrate our boys, we thank Everett Animal Shelter for what they do and for bringing sweet Charley and Corky into our lives.  I believe in rescue....we thought we were rescuing them....but they rescued us.

To The Mamma of Here

Every good soul who comes into our lives and touches us deserves to be remembered in word.....I guess for lack of a better word an obituary for the soul who touched our lives.

I think it was last Spring that I met her.....she was living on a dairy farm and was ready to retire.  My friend Vicky asked if I would like to have her retire with us....she knew we wanted to start a herd of our own, so of course I said I would love to have her.

She was a bit of a crankpot with other goats, but was friendly and happy with people.  I remember standing in Vicky's pasture and Layla came up to me, rubbed against me and I knew we would be friends.

Well, it was a busy spring....Gordon and I were getting married and I wasn't working full time so it wasn't a good time to start a herd....but then Christmas came and Gordon and Vicky made a plan....and it included Layla and her 2 girls coming to live with us.  I could have not asked for a better Christmas present.

Last March Layla and her girls came to live with us.  Gordon and I had our first herd...a dream had come true.

From the beginning Layla showed herself to be an amazing protector of her girls....she butted both Charley and Corky as they tried to get to know these new creatures in their house.  She was affectionate with us and guests, I truly believed she was the bridge for the somewhat skittish girls to welcome us into their hearts.  She showed them the ropes....they followed her everywhere.

A few weeks ago Layla started having what is officially called scours, but what would affectionately be known as "splat".  We used goat pepto bismol and things were up and down.  I emailed Vicky and asked advice and things seemed like they were perking up.

A week ago Gordon called me while I was at work, upset.  Layla was wobbly she got up but it was hard.  We finally decided to call our vet.

Long story short, our beautiful mamma didn't have much fight left in her.  We did what we could and on Wednesday when I came home to see her, she pulled me to her and we sat with her head in my lap and I sang and talked and prayed.

The next day friends of Layla (Tom and Vicky) came to say goodbye.....sweet Mamma maybe wasn't ready, but she was tired.  Dr. Moody came, and as I said good-bye to my mamma and "skilled hands" helped her cross over....in a few minutes she was gone.

And so today I am ready to share the beautiful story of sweet Layla who came into our lives and showed us how to be farmers and make tough decisions.  I have learned a lot from this beautiful girl.  She made me a better steward of my creatures.....and she taught her girls how to trust us.  I will forever be grateful for Layla....the Mamma of here.

Blue Ribbon

Well, I did it.  I made Lilac Jelly this past May....it's a fun jelly to make....it's even more fun to eat.  And so I made the jelly and decided I wanted to enter it in the fair this year.

I was pretty proud of the results and thought I'd go out on a limb and bring it into the fair to see what would happen.

I printed out the recipe and a week ago I turned it in....I spent a week saying good bye to our sweet Layla, and the bright point was wondering what was happening with my jelly.....would I be disqualified.

Today we went to the fair....what I forgot to mention is that the South Whidbey Fair is a splendiferous fair.....it's a small town fair that reminds a person of the fair in "Charlotte's Web"....on Saturday they had the parade filled with quaint things that you would expect from a village parade....the highlight for the Stewarts was that Gordon was in it as part of the "Mister South Whidbey" pageant.  And so he rode in a truck with the other contestants.....he certainly has my vote.  I also enjoy that no one was supposed to throw candy.....but everyone did.  A bunch of scoff-laws.

This fair is not about the concerts or the rides....it's about education and about our community.....I love the exhibits, the goat barn, the dogs, and eating the food.  It makes me proud live in this community.....it makes me proud of my neighbors.....and I really learn.

But back to the jelly....I turned in my jelly and a blueberry syrup.....and with all this waiting I won a blue ribbon for my jelly and a 2nd place ribbon for my syrup.  It wasn't a super deluxe "Best in Show" but it's still an accomplishment....and my sweet little jelly and syrup got a ribbon.....there's room for growth next year.

And so we took time out of our day to visit our local fair, and see the accomplishments of our neighbors....not a bad way to spend a Sunday

There's Always Hope

We've been watching our Layla very closely.....she's not getting up, we've given her a transfusion with blood from her daughter, Cali....we've given her shots, hand fed her, basically poured water down her throat.

It's been emotional to say the least.  I've had sick animals before, and what I know is that it is up and down.  What I know is that they break your heart.

I've spent the last few days sitting with her, talking to her, singing to her, just loving our sweet Layla.  She's always had a sparkle in her eye....in my experience when they lose that sparkle, it's time for them to go.

So today when I was sitting with her, watching her eat the tops off of her hay, I asked her what she was thinking.....I was thinking about how it's nice with animals because they can choose to go.  I was crying with her, watching her, but she seems kind of OK.

As I left I looked at our little garden.  We have corn that has been really small....I've really not expected the corn to do much.  But there on our little tiny corn plants are the beginnings of corn.....I can't believe it!!!!!  And what I know beyond the shadow of any doubt is that there is always hope.....there's always hope.....and for that I am thankful....I'm thankful for a little sprout of corn silk showing me that I should never give up....and in the immortal words of Dori "Just keep swimming."  and that is what the Stewart herd will cling to.

Picking Blackberries

Out sweet Layla is pretty sick.  Yesterday Dr. Moody (the large animal vet here) came by to visit her....he gave her some shots, took some tests and talked to Gordon.  I stayed home from work today so I could be with her and keep an eye on her and her girls and Gordon could focus on work.  I feel bad because at work they are incredibly short staffed, I may even get in trouble....but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where I need to be.....with my girls.

And so, this morning I began to pick blackberries.....I love tedious jobs where you lose yourself.  I am by nature an introvert and I like to just space out sometimes, I'm not sure if I think or not, I just focus on the task and do what I'm doing....I find it peaceful.  Today as I was picking the berries Charley and Corky were with me, just sitting in the sun, watching me.  The beauty of that is Corky has always been afraid of grass, and likes to sit inside anytime I'm working outside....apparently he's learning....and today he hopped through grass taller than him in the hot sun waiting, exploring, working on being a dog.....they were good companions.  I also threw blackberry vines over to the healthy girls, because they're trying to get to mamma, who's in isolation in the goat house, so they were able to focus on something else too.

I then went to give Layla her treatment, and give her fresh water.  She looked a little perky, so after I was done, I just snuggled up next to her and scratched her head, petted her neck.  I then decided to lay my head on a straw bale and rest next to sweet Layla.....I started reading a book, but she wanted no part of that....she wanted me to lay with her and pet her....and so I did.....I closed my eyes and listened to the healing wind brush through the house....I then started to pray for her, for us.  I then did what I do during nap at work, I breathed yoga breaths and put my "white light" on Layla.....I began to visualize a photo that Vicky sent us of her with a baby Cali eating grass....in that photo she is young, the picture of health, next to her baby who is still with her.....I then visualized all the people I knew alive and dead who would understand animals, and would want health for her.

We layed there quietly listening to the breeze, I watched our maple tree sway in the wind and brought all the good energy I knew those people would  bring to her.  I remembered my Grandmother who nursed a kitten with a bottle and raised him to be a beautiful cat, who had 5 dogs in a tiny house and loved all animals.....I remembered the vet assistant at my old vet clinic who would always help us and loved and rescued animals her whole life and who passed away about 8 years ago, but whose presence I still feel sometimes when I'm worried about my creatures.  Layla and I just were, listening, breathing being together.  I sang a little, and she slept.

When I got up, she looked a little refreshed, certainly grateful for the company.

And so today I called in to work....I was honest because I don't want to bring any negative energy into this situation.  I'm sure my co-workers and boss will not understand.....but this is my Herd....these are the creatures I have been entrusted with.....and when I am getting ready to leave this earth and I am thinking back, I will not remember that I went to work and came up with a lunch plan and tried to bring calm to another day....what I will remember is that I spent a morning picking blackberries with my boys, and rested with my sweet, loving Mamma Layla.....and will know I made the right choice.