Thank You St. Francis

I used to get slack in High School because I would pray for my animals.  I can remember in youth group asking for prayer for my goat, Apple Cory, because she was having a troublesome pregnancy and actually wound up losing her baby twins.  My Youth Pastor told me that I was very compassionate and that I should never lose that.  But I knew in his heart that he really didn't think that God would really want to answer my prayer.

As I got older, I continued to pray for the creatures in my life....I think before I would ever pray for something in my life.  Maybe I felt that God would care for the creatures in my care before he would answer any prayers for me.

As I got older and I learned about St. Francis, I would pray to him....I can't imagine a more Kindred Spirit....if I were to preach, I do believe it would be to the animals.....and I am happiest around my animals, or other people's animals or exploring or sharing my garden.  So if I were to tell anyone about God, it would be the creatures in our world.  I even brought Charley to St. Francis celebrations to get blessings....so I guess you could say he is the one who took me on the bridge back to church.

This week I've been a little worried about our Layla....she has had some tummy trouble and I've been watching her poo like a hawk.  Last Sunday when they asked for anything else for which we should pray, I prayed for my girl under my breath.....I asked for wisdom in supporting her, and that she would be healed.
I emailed my friend and mentor, Vicky Brown, to ask what I should do.  I was so worried because she has trusted me with her Layla, allowing her to retire with us and bring her 2 great future milkers with her....I felt like I was letting her down somehow....letting Layla down.  But even talking about the symptoms helped me to see that maybe she wasn't as bad as she seemed, that she eating better than I first thought....and Vicky is the queen of being clear, concise, yet compassionate.
And so I came home....treated her more aggressively with goat pepto bismol and prayed more.

So...while was outside checking on her, Corky our Havanese-Yorkie mix got into some dark chocolate....I was so worried....the more I investigated, the more I worried.....and as he ran around the living room rubbing against the couches I wondered if it was his normal "piss and vinegar" or if it was the chocolate poisoning him.  Gordon came home, and we fretted and I felt like I had let down all the creatures in our life.

We all woke up this morning and Layla's poo was firming up and Corky made it through the night without even throwing up.  And so today I am thankful for the wisdom that comes from friends and that someone was looking out for our charges.  I am thankful that I never grew out of praying for the sweet creatures in my life....and I am thankful for the peace that comes from knowing there is someone bigger than all of us.

The Mantis Is Back

This past Spring I bought a Mantis from my best friend George.....I was so excited about it because it meant I could get in between those rows in my garden and really make it a healthy happy weed-free garden.

Let me preface this whole story with the mistake we also made this past Spring.  We live on a pile of sand.....as a result, the bare spots on our property that logically would make amazing garden areas are bare because there is too much sand there....I've tried it, and added compost and manure but I've never had a really thriving garden.

And so this year we decided to have a guy we call "Baboso" (which means slobbering idiot in Spanish) who does so lawn work for us and the Restaurant rototill a spot that is completely covered in grass.....needless to say Bob (the short version of the nick-name we've given him) never came to rototill for us.  So we waited for him, and the Spring was dwindling away.  I kept saying I wanted to just rent a tiller and do the work myself, but Gordon didn't want me to do that either.....and so we got a friend of one of the kids who works for Gordon to come and do it....and he did....and did a great job....and I pulled out grass and roots and we began planting.  What I didn't think about was that there was a lot of grass there, I guess I should have rototilled in the Winter and covered it in a tarp and maybe killed the grass and continued rototilling....but it's not a mistake unless you don't learn from it.

And so early in the season my dear little Mantis' pull rope broke.  I kept forgetting to call someone, or try and fix it myself, but I kept putting it off.....and I spent this season fighting with the grass that kept coming back.....and I did a pretty good job of keeping it at bay, until it got hot.....and because working in the heat is a sure-fire way to make myself weaky, I just did a little weed pulling and adjusting, all the time saying that I needed to get the Mantis fixed.

I also had greedy eyes when I was planning said garden....and instead of making a super big garden, I only had the kid rototill a smaller patch to make it easier on him (it was a tough job of work) and so I think my rows are closer that I would like them to be, making it kind of harder to weed.

Well....the grass nearly won....except I finally got the Mantis fixed.....the other sad part of this story is that for some reason I am decidedly incompetent, when it comes to 2-cycle engines and for the life of me cannot get my little "Chick Rototiller" as some kid called it started....and so I have to ask my husband to start it for me.....and today he did.....and I did battle with the grass in my rows and now have a pretty weed free garden and I was even able to hand-weed the sections that are too close together.

So....I felt powerful stomping and crushing those weeds, the loose dirt falling into my holey shoes and smelling the 2-cycle gas and dirt and knowing that I was caring for my sweet little garden and was doing it myself (even though Gordon had to stop what he was doing to come and start it for me)....but there is noting better than freshly tilled dirt that you walk in in your beautiful garden and the wonderful feeling of pulling the rest of the weeds yourself and feeling like you are keeping your covenant with the space you reside.

So....lessons learned this year:

1. If you get a guy to rototill for you, have him do it early in the season so you can have most of the roots and stuff pretty much gone....AND get a guy who wants to work for a living and has a work ethic and cares about what people think of him
2. Don't feel sorry for said rototilling guy and have him make the garden space bigger so you can plant all the plants your hearts desires.
3. Rototill at the end of the season and cover with a tarp....and rototill a few times before you actually plant the garden
4. And most important.....learn how to start your Mantis before next year.....because really how can you write a blog about your "Wabi Sabi Farm Life" if you can't even get your Mantis going.

And that is the story of how I finally got to do battle with the grass that keeps showing up in my garden with the right weapon....and got the job done.

The Importance of Play

At work I do a "Monday Memo".  In it I post important information for the staff, but I also always have a quote from Mister Rogers.  This week it was "Play does seem to open up another part of the mind that is always there, but that, since childhood, may have become closed off and hard to reach.  When we treat children's play as seriously as it deserves, we are helping them feel the joy that's to be found in the creative spirit.  We're helping ourselves stay in touch with that spirit too.  It's the tings we play with and the people who help us play that makes a great difference in our lives."  It's hanging in the bathroom and I've been reading it everyday....thinking about it.

I've spent my life working with kids....I've always felt like I've embraced my inner child.  But if I were to be honest with myself, I don't think I have.  I've never really gotten down on their level and really embraced what being a child is.  I've said the right words....I've interacted in a somewhat clinical way, narrating what I've seen them doing....teaching them the skills required to be successful in life....I've given them opportunities to explore, to problem solve.....but it's always been at a distance...even with my niece and nephew, not really embracing my inner child, not being a kid with them, exploring with them, problem solving with them, really enjoying their childhood with them.

What I have noticed with the love that my sweet husband gives me, I'm able to, for the first time in my life, be like a kid....not in an immature, rude, spoiled way....but in a way that embraces the world around me....in a way that I find joy in being in my garden, getting my toes dirty, or playing with the dogs, or enjoying the children in my life in a way I never have before.

I think that is the beauty of my salt water sandals.....I had them as a kid....but certainly not shiny purple ones....that would be a little frivilous.....and the excitement of waiting for something that you order....and the power you feel when you can wear them anywhere....like summer muckalucks.  I was so excited when I woke up the first morning, I felt like a kid, it was actually what got me up in the morning, and I said it out loud.

I went to see a healer a couple years ago for migraines....she told me to imagine myself at an age before pain.  I visualized this photo of me when I think I was 5 years old, I'm in a yellow tutu and am standing with my hands on my hips.  I'm looking straight at the camera next to the slide in our backyard, I look invincible, I look proud of whatever I did....I love that picture.  Being loved unconditionally by my husband makes me feel that way....I am invincible, I am powerful, I am beautiful, I could pull off a yellow tutu if I really needed to.

I find that because of his belief in me, I am more creative, I'm kinder, I'm calmer, I am that little girl in her yellow tutu who could do anything I set my mind to.  And so I sport my Shiny Purple Saltwater Sandals even when they don't go with my clothes, because I am Gordon's wife, he is my champion (and I'm his), he believes I am beautiful, he believes there is nothing I cannot do.  Keep your eyes peeled for what is next in the Stewart Saga....I know it will be epic....even if it's a trip to the zoo....it's our trip to the zoo and we are cherishing the moment together, because we are powerful and strong and talented and amazing, because we love each other and believe in each other....and for that I am grateful to a little kid from Arlington who saw the beauty in a frizzy haired over weight insecure woman who didn't know she needed a hero....but she found one.

3 Years Ago

I don't know if it's the fact that this summer is so hot, or if it's that I have a garden this year or what, but I find myself thinking of the Summer that Gordon and I got together.  I think of the aggravation and joy each new day brought.
The Summer started with me losing my job....the reason why is not important, but I did.  That night I went home and drank a bottle of blackberry wine and made caramel corn....I sat next to the dogs I shared with my roommate and I cried....the chocolate lab, Bear, started licking my face and as I cried all I could think was "If I pass out he might eat my face....that would really suck."

One day while I was planting sunflowers for my best friend's bird and he was weed wacking his bird somehow climbed out of the cage we had outside.  He was gone.....I knew there had to be a metaphor for life there.  Our friendship was changing.....he had a girlfriend.....sometimes you just have to let things go, if they come back it was meant to be....if not....it never was....hmmm

As the Summer progressed, I got to know my best friend's girlfriend better....she lived on Whidbey Island at the time.  One night I told her that I had an old friend who had a restaurant on Whidbey Island (I had seen a thing about him posted on Facebook) and she asked me the restaurant, I told her and she said "Oh Gordon's.  Gordon is amazing!!!!!  He has a partner, but she's not his wife, I think he's single."

And so I spent the summer busying myself with my garden, and learning to make cheese (I thought I might want to take up goat farming), and learning to can and make jam and use all the things I was growing in my bountiful garden.  I was baking and cooking more and more, trying out new recipes on my friend and his girl...I even made chicken feet....I bought a cookbook about Northwest cooking from settler times.....it talked about Useless Bay on Whidbey Island.....hmmmm.....Whidbey Island.....I wonder how Gordon is doing....hmmmm.

So I finally got up the nerve to message Gordon....do you really remember me?  I would love to meet with you for coffee or something and we could catch up.  I was going through a very lost time in my heart if I want to be honest with myself.....I think I wanted to know what it was like to live the life you said you would....I wanted to meet this kid Gordon I knew.....I wanted to connect to something.

So we set up a date.....I had lunch with one of my oldest friends and I told her about the "date"....she said, Yeah....I never saw you having a goat farm on the Jordan Road....Whidbey Island though....I could see that.

Gordon and I talked a few days before the date....I felt like a kid....he sounded just the same.....he joked about vodka so I knew he drank, and that made me happy.....I was nervous.

Finally the day came....we met....I drove on the ferry with my heart in my throat....I knew things were going to change.  And as I drove up the Island I thought and thought.....my hair was curly, I wore my prettiest dress.....and I found the place....and he came out....that little kid I knew in the 80's had grown up....his eyes sparkled....I couldn't believe it.

The day flew by....we went to Double Bluff and talked and talked.....when it was time to leave I sat on the ferry and called him again.  I knew I was in love....I liked who Gordon had become....I liked who I was when I was with him.

The rest of the Summer was spent in a strange courtship....I didn't want to be too needy....but he didn't really make any moves....I was confused.....and finally one day I invited myself over to "spend the night"  and I knew....I knew this was real.

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about how my dreams have come true with this amazing man.....when I look back at that Summer I think of how everything happened for a reason.  Had I been working I couldn't have focused on Gordon or spent as much time with him.....that was the summer I learned to make cheese and cook better, and I think Gordon thought those skills were kind of sexy.....he even introduced me to "Little Brown Farm" chevre....and I made stuff for him with it....another amazing connection that changed my life forever.

I think the summer of '10 will always be one of my favorite....it was a summer of dogs, gardening, blackberries, cheese, and a chef who carried a bucket to gather herbs at his restaurant.

So....if you think you shouldn't believe in Fairy Tales, or if you think things are hard or scary or sad, just know that there's hope.  With every loss there's a gain....and when your bird flies away maybe it was meant to be and the flowers you planted for him are still beautiful and make you happy.

Punkin Flower

One of my favorite movies of all time is "A Walk in the Clouds".  Although I think Keaneu Reeves is a hideous actor, I adore Anthony Quinn and I love the 40's and I love things about Spanish people.  One of my favorite scenes is when they're eating the Pumpkin Flower Soup.  I was fascinated by the idea of making a soup from pumpkin flowers.

A few summers ago....(ironically right after I met Gordon) I had pumpkin flowers in my garden, and so I thought I'd make some.  I even called him to ask if I used the stamen of the flower because I knew that Gordon was the expert on cooking with flowers.  And so I made this amazing soup, that quickly became one of my favorite soups of all time.  It's carefully and thoughtfully prepared, and because pumpkin flowers are only around a little while in the summer, and so you make it and freeze some.  If I were to have a signature dish, it would be Pumpkin Flower Soup.  

When I first moved to the Island I got some squash flowers at the Bayview Market and made some soup for Gordon....I just couldn't find any Epizote and I used Tarragon.....not the same, but still good, but I know it wasn't life changing.

So, this year I've been watching the squash flowers in our garden come and turn into zucchini and punkins, I've been keeping my eyes peeled for Epizote....I planted some in the Spring, but it didn't take, and so I sadly watched all the flowers turn into the veggies they were supposed to.....or so I thought.

Today Gordon picked me up at the ferry, when I got in the car he told me that he had trimmed the girls' hooves for me, which is really a 2 person job....but he did it.  We had a plan to do it when we got home.  So I said that we could stop for Mexican Food....he told me he had made dinner.  He wanted me to guess what it was.

Well I guessed that maybe it was Chicken and Grits....he said no.....I asked if it was pork or chicken or beef....he said that it was made from the bounty of our garden.  I asked if it was squash based.  He then pulled out Epizote....I knew then.....my adoring husband made my very favorite soup. 

He had picked the flowers, carrots, onions and cilantro from our garden to feed me....this lucky wife.....and so he made a soup from very far away with things from our very own backyard.....he thought of this very special soup and wanted to make it for me.....his biggest fan. 

And so we came home.....the man who loved me more than anything made soup FOR ME!!!!!  The chef has followed a recipe to make my favorite soup.  And made margaritas with the blueberry syrup I just made this weekend with blueberries he had bought at the Bayview Market because it's one of my favorite berries.

Three years ago this weekend this romance began.....this man has changed his whole life to support me and feed me and believe my dreams.....to encourage me to follow them.  He works hard for us....for this life....and still takes time to make my favorite soup....to find an herb we've been searching for 2 years.  

Like a Book

It was a scene right out of a book......Gordon had made a plan for our Monday dinner....first he picked me up at the boat.....right on time.....my sweet darling husband waiting for me in the loading zone, truck filled with our boys....Charley looking past all the other commuters....looking for me....seeing me and his sweet eyes looking at me....what kind of life is this that I have my darling boy looking at me, and my husband who loves me in the drivers seat, sporting his new glasses that he got at Costco.  This is what was waiting for me as I came back to the Island.....the place where my home is.....and Gordon said to me "Hungry?"  Of course I was.
And so we drove up our hill, we came around the bend and there it was.....under the oak tree by our house was a spread beyond compare.....oysters on the half shell.....smoked salmon.....crab.....shrimp....chilled wine....all on a table with flowers from our yard.....all prepared for us.  And so we feasted.  It really felt like it should be a magazine spread.  We sat, talked about our day, and talked about our life, threw the frisbee for Charley and talked to the girls.
We enjoyed ourselves, we laughed, and swatted at the flies....then the wind started.  It was so amazingly lovely....except for the wind, and then the flies....and then the hornets came, landing on the food, we continued our quiet little evening, slurping oysters, tasting things, drinking the wine, the smell of the beach coming to us.....we tried to ignore the inconveniences of the bugs and the wind.  But then as we sat, I saw a a hornet grab a piece of smoked salmon.  I couldn't believe it.  We continued to eat and try to enjoy the beautiful meal my sweet husband prepared, enjoying the flavors of the seafood and sipping on the crisp wine.  Then a hornet came and grabbed a piece of salmon almost the size of him.
We decided to go inside before the hornets tried to carry Corky off.
When we came inside we talked about how the meal was, Gordon felt bad that the bugs ruined it.  But they didn't.  This lovely meal which was romantic and beautiful, thoughtfully prepared which looked like it could have been in a culinary magazine, prepared by a world class chef just for us.  Eating from our garden and the Pacific, tormented by vampire flying creatures carrying off chunks of salmon and shrimp almost the size of themselves.
What a beautiful life
 

The Gloaming

I was out walking in "The Gloaming" as my mom used to call it....probably still does.  The Gloaming is an Irish term for the end of the day, when the sun turns kind of pinkish orange....as a result everything kind of glows....thus "The Gloaming"....this time of day reminds me of the house I spent a good chunk of time in growing up.  It was a beautiful log house, and it had a view of Deer Mountain.  I always called it "My Mountain"....I still do....but the sunset would hit it and it would turn pinky orange.
So as I walked and looked at the glow, I thought of those days.....and the log house I grew up in....and my family....and I was sad....very sad.....I missed the illusion of the family I thought I had in those days.
The funny thing is I don't really remember that part of my childhood....not really.....so I guess it really was an illusion.
And so....some things have happened in the last few weeks....and I have come to realize that my family may be broken beyond repair.....and that makes me sad.  I still have the people in my life.....my mom, sister, niece and nephew.....but it just feels so sad and broken.
And then I looked up at my little yellow house....by no means a show place....or a log cabin....but it's "our'n"....and there's my garden, my garden filled with weeds....but still growing things beautifully.....and there's the girls' house, built by my husband and his friend....and the girls who are a little spoiled, but sweet.  And then there's the dogs.....Charley who is perfect beyond measure.....and Corky who pees on our floors and ends up in the parking lot of the restaurant where he almost gets hit.....but is cute....but if anyone's looking for a Havanese-Yorkie mix I don't think I'd tell you no.
And I walked in my kitchen where the buckle is cooling and I made whipped cream with my light green Kitchenaid.....I think of this life that is real.....this life I share with my husband.....and the people who love us.......and the lives that have touched mine.....I guess you create the family that works for you.....and with that I do....I have my sister and her kids whom I adore....I have my In-Laws who have welcomed me with open arms....we have friends who are like family to both of us a "Family of Choice".
And so....today I think of things that are real.....solid....true.....and beautiful.  I have a husband who loves me......who works very hard and does what he does well.  I help kids, I believe in what I do.....it's hard....but I love it....it wears me out.
These are things that are true.....these are the things I cling to....this is the life I embrace in The Gloaming.