Princesses

On Sunday I was with my husband having my birthday tea, wearing a tiara and we were discussing getting a princess book for our friend who's going to have a baby girl this year.  We discussed whether the mom would want her daughter to have a princess book, and I remembered when I worked as a Director at a Childcare Center in Burlington and I got it in my head that the little girls shouldn't play "princess".

My thinking was that fairy tales aren't real....and the "handsome prince" is never going to come and rescue you....so there's no point using your imagination on such frivality.....that girls need to be strong and take care of themselves....they must know that they are the ones who will rescue them...they can't rely on some "guy" to do it.  I very quickly changed this for the simple fact that all children need fantasy, and imagination and dragons and dinosaurs and crowns and capes and all the things that make childhood what it is.

But.....if I were to be completely honest with myself....what made me so opposed to "princess play"?  I loved it as a child.  I would spend hours standing on the hearth of our fireplace lip synching to "Cinderella", "Snow White", "The Wizard of Oz" and dancing to "The Music Box Dancer" or acting out "Little House on the Prairie" (this was in between lining up my stuffed animals and giving them names and taking attendance).....fantasy was my whole life.  Pretending that I was a beautiful princess, or a strong prairie girl with a dog who didn't need a leash was what I clung to.....I was waiting for my prince to come....and to rescue me....and I certainly wanted to "Live Happily Ever After".....or at least make my own butter and be with a dog who didn't need a leash.

And so my life moved on....and as a socially awkward chubby girl with weird wavy hair I quickly learned that "Love was meant for beauty  queens....and not ugly duckling girls like me".....and I soon figured out that there was never going to be a prince on his steed who was going to sweep me up and take me to his castle.  And so I think I got a little bitter.  In my twenties my friends all married and I felt just a little stuck and still awkward, and so I went to gay bars with my friends....went to school got a job with a retirement plan because again I knew.....I wasn't going to find "true love" so I better take care of myself....I would have guy friends....but not a guy who loved me more than anything....certainly I was not destined to ever be someone's princess.....and my handsome prince was going to be a beautiful red dog with a fox tail who DID love me more than anyone else (and he didn't need a leash)....and I think I was content....but jaded....and certainly against any idea of "Princesses and Princes".

But then....when I was about to turn 40.....everything changed......my prince came.....he took me to a magical land that I was carried to by "ferries"....he had a gray "steed" and he showed me that dreams do come true.....I had forgotten.....he turned me into a believer.  I even got to be a "princess" for a day at our beautiful wedding.  And our "Happily Ever After" consists of goats who will be milkers....and we will make cheese with that milk....and dogs without leashes.....and cider presses and mushroom kits......our castle is a little yellow house that doesn't hold much heat and hardly has any storage....but it's "our'n" and we love it.....and yes things aren't perfect....but what is?  And he even wears his crown and has a robe.

So I wish I could go back to 36 year old Kaycee thinking she was doing right by the girls in her center and say, "Dreaming is good"....certainly Disney is too commercial....but princesses aren't bad....it's the kind of play that you only get once in a lifetime.....and just because the dream isn't exactly like it is in the books....it's still a dream.....and it's what makes a girl powerful and beautiful.....and yes there is disappointment.....but life IS beautiful....and if you quiet down and listen, you can find the beauty....and you can dream....and your dreams can change....but they can come true.....and there is a "Somewhere over the Rainbow"....and it can be right in our own backyard.

Thank You St Francis

Today was the day we celebrate St Francis.  He is certainly my favorite saint....I believe he probably was a little Wabi Sabi.....he certainly didn't fit in...he preached to birds.....and he believed in Social Justice.  He is someone I certainly connect with.

And so today in church they talked about him....and this afternoon they had a Blessing of the Animals.  And so I brought Charley and Corky back to church....sweet Charley loves our church yard....I like to think he loves peaceful places....he quiets down and seems solemn.

And so Charley, Corky and I went to the Blessing....we read and responded....we prayed and Charley and Corky were blessed by our Priest....who is an animal lover himself....as we prayed together as a group for animals and creatures everywhere....those who are lost, or suffering, or dying....and I thought of my sweet Layla who has left us...and I thought of the boys who are my charges and all they do for us.  As I took in the beautiful surrounds of our church grounds...the statue of St. Francis....the trees the people.  And someone asked if the blessing helps animals go to Heaven....what is this for?  I thought about that while we read and prayed and repeated....why do I do this?  It's my covenant with my creatures.....it's what reminds me the pact I made with them....when I saw each of them in the shelter....the promise.....I guess that I made to their Creator.....that I would care for them, I would give them warm places to sleep, I would keep them clean and brushed and fed and most of all I would just be the place where they can be safe, and have fun, and know that they are free of any fear or danger or harm.  That is why I bring my boys, and wish I could bring the girls....to remind me of my promise to them....and to thank them for the promise they have made to me....to be with me, listen to me, keep me safe.....and walk with Gordon and I on this journey.
And when the time comes, I will be with my boys.....I will hold their head in my lap and I will kiss them, and thank them, and wish them well as they leave this life they had with me.
And the other part of St. Francis for me, is his prayer, and how I have a covenant with the other beings around me....to help them....to co-exist and be a "part of the solution" in this very dark and frightening world.
"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.  Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.  Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled and to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.  For it is giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and is in dying that we are born to eternal life."  That is his prayer.....and I think that if Charley prayed in the way we do, this would be his prayer.
And so as I picked apples, he ran in the field and played I watched him enjoy this beautiful day and I thanked his Creator for entrusting us with a beautiful red dog named Charley, a goofy blonde boy named Corky, a strong willed goat name Cali and a sweet goofy girl named Daisy and a bigger than life chef who believes in my dreams so much that they become my own, and helps to make them possible.

Summertime

I came home today a little bit sad.  Fall is my favorite time of year, but this year I find myself a wee bit sorry to see it end.  It's been a Summer beyond measure.  I think this Summer I've learned so much.....we've learned so much.  I learned that sand really needs a lot more support to help things grow....but I've still loved my little garden....and next year I'll be better prepared....however....I also had my first crop of tomatoes that actually turned red....the first year of my gardening life that I have had a surplus of tomatoes.....made me a little proud.

So tonight I came home, let the girls out and I said good bye to our little garden with the ripe red tomatoes (well, those have been eaten).....I smelled the leaves and thanked our little garden for how hard it worked....the girls hovered....hoping for a bite of the things I was picking and pulling.....they enjoyed what we called "goat corn" because it never really got big, but they liked it, and there were lots of corn leaves for them to eat....and we got a couple cobs out of....and Gordon and I savored those few cobs like they were oysters, fresh out of the sea....and we were content.

I looked at Layla's corner, and I thought of the other lessons we learned this Summer.....how we learned that goats break your heart even if you haven't known them that long.....we learned a bit more about saying good bye more about parasites than any book we could have read, or did read.  I also learned to trust our girls and they learned to trust us.....we've become a heard.

I also learned about priorities....that having a full-time job with a 3 hour commute isn't really conducive to goat farming....or garden tending.....or "nest feathering"....I learned that my husband supports the decisions I make....even if he wouldn't make the same decisions....he supports and loves me beyond anything I deserve or could ever dream of.

So I stood in my weedy end of season garden smelling tomato plants....surrounded by my dogs and 2 sweet goats and I listened to the geese fly over....and then I realized the new stage is coming....I have a new job where I am closer to home...and feel content....and coming soon our girls will get pregnant....and we will go through our first winter as goat people and we will watch them change and grow....and in the Spring there will be new goats on our hill and we will learn even more new things that you really can't read about....you have to experience.  And maybe one of those babies will have markings like their grandma, and we will smile about the "circle of life".... and then we'll start milking, and the dream will come to fruition.....and in the midst of all of this we will order new seeds, and make new garden plans....and we will try again.....smarter....with greater understanding of the pros and cons of our little hill.....and because we are who we are....we'll cling to each other and smile and laugh and cry through all of it....because that is who we are....so good bye Summer.....thank you for an splendiferous time together.....we look forward to meeting you again....wiser.....calmer....better prepared.

Oh.....and now it's time to celebrate the apple bounty here on our hill.....and all the things that go along with that....including a splendiferous early Birthday gift that will just add to the fun here on our little hill....stay tuned :)

Bliss

Well, as I shared earlier, I decided to leave my relatively well paying job in "town" to take a job in Coupeville, for less money, but I thought it would be nice to be closer to home, and without the commute I'd be better able to spend more time caring for my girls, my dogs, my garden and my husband.  Well, after a beautiful weekend at a lake, I started my new job last Wednesday.  Well....after about 1 hour there, I realized I had made an enormous mistake....I was screaming inside....I couldn't believe I had made this choice....I felt like a failure....I felt like a quitter.....I wanted to sail across the sound and sit in what used to be my desk and look at people when they looked at me quizzically and say, "Oh....I just wanted  a vacation and didn't have any more leave."  The only thing was, a very qualified co-worker had taken my position....and so I couldn't do that to her....but I felt completely lost.

And then I got a call from the center I had left to work at Tomorrow's Hope....I had applied for the position of Program Supervisor there but didn't get the position.  The director there was offering me a position, with less hours than I was working in Coupeville, but with the promise of more hours in the future, and the opportunity to sub on the days I wasn't working.

I called Gordon and told him I couldn't do the job in Coupeville, but I had just gotten offered a position in Langley, and it was fewer hours, but I'd have Mondays off....so we'd be guaranteed a day off together, unless I had to work, but we had that choice.

Gordon has an incredible work ethic (the reason he has a restaurant with his name on it....his motto is "15 minutes early is on time....on time is late"....he would never ever just up and leave a job without ever giving notice....he probably wouldn't take a job like I had....so he wouldn't be in that position.  He works his rear off daily....sometimes working 12 hours a day without a break....he drops everything to cover a shift of someone who can't make it in.....he's committed....and even if he was working for someone else, he'd be the same way.

And so, here I was telling this man...to whom work is everything....that I can't do a job that I shouldn't have taken anyway.....but he said, "I would never do that....but you need to do what you need to do."

And so I took the job....not knowing if I could go back to the place in Coupeville.....and I went back for the rest of the day (this was my second day)

I went home with a sense of peace about leaving, just not knowing what I would be able to do with the other job....but with a start date of 1 week later.

Gordon saw how I felt, and I think it made him feel a little better....knowing I had made a mistake.

On Friday I went back to work.....and during my lunch I saw some friends from church....they asked me how my new job was....I told them I was leaving and that I found a job better suited to me even closer to home....I didn't complain....but they knew what I was trying to say....or I imagine that they did....and somehow talking to them made me feel even better about my choice.

Long story short I sent an email to my boss on Friday night saying I wouldn't be back....I just couldn't/  In my defense she had been out all week and so I couldn't talk to her.

And so today....the eve of my "First day of school...part 2....I'm spending my day cleaning....listening to music and watching my girls, my dogs, my sweet little life here.....I'm filled with excitement....peace and gratefulness for this little life I have....and that although my husband doesn't agree with the fact that I couldn't go back....or that I'm taking 3 more days off.....he still loves me....supports me....and smiles because he believes in me and my heart and in the fact that I am closer to home....and that I have a little more flexibility to deal with emergencies here....and during kidding season I'll be able to go to work knowing I haven't slept and I'm tired and excited, but I don't think there's a group of co-workers who would be more understanding....and I'd be 15 minutes away so I could run home on lunch and feed our new babies...and I'd have a great story to share with the kids on my class.

So...again....here I sit....feeling grateful for an amazing husband who smiles at his foolish wife who always seems to land on her feet....and is able to live the life we both dream of....even if we will have to scrimp and save a little more to make it happen.

And this morning, I went with him as he got things ready at work and we danced to Tom Waits in the kitchen and kissed and he said, "You can do this more if you're working on the Island"....so we both know this was a good choice.

The Old Gray Goose

Last weekend Gordon, the dogs and I stayed at a Lake House on Alder Lake outside of Eatonville.  We had an amazing time together....we sat on the dock, I read....Gordon fished....we truly relaxed in a way I didn't think was possible.  Gordon searched for this place with it's glassy lake that was so quiet it hurt our ears, and at night we saw more stars than either of us had ever seen....and it was like we could see the curviture of the Earth....we lost ourselves there.
On one of the days we went for a walk.  We had both had a nap and when Gordon wakes from a nap he has tons of energy....and so with his energy we took the dogs and walked along the road that went by the lake.
While we were walking we came across a Gander....the reason I noticed him was because I wasn't sure if he was wild or not, he just looked beautiful....he was also very vocal....we wondered why he was by himself and not with his gagle....and then as we got closer, we noticed his girl....she was laying down and he stood by her.  It took us a little bit to figure out that she was sick, and we really didn't know what to do.  But we knew we couldn't interfere....and so we watched them for a few minutes...the Gander squaking, his mate just lying there.
This picture stuck with me....I'm not sure why, but just the beauty of a male standing by his "girl" as she tried to get better....it felt like he was keeping vigil.
The next day we came by, and there he was facing the lake, and she was lying next to him...dead....but because geese are the way they are....he was still with her.....he was mourning her.  Even my girls didn't mourn their mamma....they missed her, but they didn't say goodbye in a way that we did....they seemed lost for a bit, but not sad....this guy was sad.
And so we went back to the house and talked about him, and thought about their life together....I wondered if he would die with her.
We had to go back to town and so I brought a baguette with us to feed him so he didn't starve during his vigil.....when we got there he was gone, just his girl there by the lake....not her but her shell.
For most of my adult life I have argued with people about whether or not animals have souls....I have always known they do....I've felt it when animals have "left"....I felt it when Layla left....but for a wild creature to sit by his "girl" like Gordon would for me....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have them....and that they go to Heaven because they don't choose evil....they are pure....and like Will Rogers said, "If dogs don't go to Heaven, I want to go where they do."
And so that night at dinner, we prayed for the Gander....I sang "Go Tell Aunt Rhody", and we enjoyed the quiet of our lake even more, feeling reverent about the Goose and her Gander who stood by as long as he could.
I know that animals don't dwell, but I wonder if he thought of her as he flew, if he felt the emptiness of her lack of presence....if he missed her.  I hope he's doing better now....I hope he's found a group, or his group and is getting ready to fly south....and I know she's watching over him....grateful to have found such a mate.....we should all be so blessed.

The Eve of Change

I'm sitting here, a beer, thinking about what tomorrow brings.  Tomorrow I say good bye to a job that has defined me for a year.  I have ridden 3 buses and a boat to a job where I support teachers who teach children who suffer trauma through homelessness, drug addiction, abuse, or any other number of frightening situations.  It really has been my dream job....the culmination of my education, passion, experience and interest.

I have had the pleasure....most of the time....of working with a group of women who put their hearts and souls into their work....they sacrifice time with family, time cleaning their homes, time spent doing other things caring for these little lost souls.  They are doing all the can to help these sweet souls find the way....they are the "protective factors" in these kids' lives.

I will miss the busyness of the place....I will miss the daily puzzle of scheduling, care team meetings, phone calls and emergencies....I will miss the camaraderie that comes from the kind of work we do....I will even miss the drama that comes from 20 passionate women come together and do what they are born to do.

I've decided to leave the job because I want to be able to spend more time feathering my nest, caring for my creatures, and supporting my husband.   I'll still be working, but I'll be closer to home, working fewer hours....also choosing the path of less stress so I can continue to keep MS at bay.

I'm excited about my new adventure....I don't regret ever taking the job "in town"....I met some women I hope to stay in touch with and hope to always call them "friend".  I'm excited about being able to be with my girls when they bring new babies into our "farm"....I'm excited about spending more time in my garden...excited about taking on new adventures, closer to home, creating, building, nurturing.

The quote I put on the "Monday Memo" this week hit my soul, it says:  "You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices.  And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are."  It's from Mister Rogers, and I think it sums up the reason I've decided to leave.....this life is short, and sometimes you need to do what will help you be more of who you are.  That is what I believe I am doing....I am making a choice so that I can focus on the dream of here....I realize I am blessed to be given that choice.  I am blessed to have the life I share with my loving husband, our beautiful dogs, our adorable goats and our little yellow house.  I'm thankful for the next leg on my journey.

Happy National Dog Day

I really don't know how we could let a day like today pass without sharing what my precious boys mean to me....celebrate the dogs of Wabi Sabi "Farm".

First there's Corky....Corky was a rescue who came to us by default.  For some reason Gordon and I were in Everett and I said "Hey, let's stop by the pound and see if there's a dog there."  This was before Gordon and I were married, and I think before he learned to tell me "no"....and so we did.

We stopped by and looked at the dogs.  We had been having a conversation about getting an "heir" for Charley so that when it was his time to leave, our house wouldn't be empty....and we wouldn't get a dog on a whim.  Gordon said he wanted a Golden Retriever, and so we went to the pound to see if we could find one.

I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Universe brings you the creatures you need, not the one you think you want.  And so we walked around the corner and there was this pathetic creature huddled in the corner of the room....of course I was drawn to him because he was so sad and pathetic.

We took him out, introduced him to Charley and immediately he started wagging his tail and being friendly.
We left him to discuss what we would do....Gordon had a meeting.

Well, long story short we took Corky home.  He had already been brought back to the pound because he was afraid of stair...."Oooh" I thought...."A challenge"  We even had a hard time getting him out of the building because he was afraid of grass too.

Gordon named him Corky after his dad....and Corky became part of our pack.

 It's been a long 2 years with Corky.....he has a heart of gold but has never really learned how to be a dog....and so we've taught him how to potty outside, and we help him succeed by leaving him in a kennel....he gets stressed out at dog parks because of the other dogs....and probably the grass....but he loves going to the bank or coffee stand or ferry but never eats the treats given to him.  He is fascinated by horses and goats and tries so hard to engage the goats in play, but he would never do that with another dog...except Charley.

Corky has been known to walk in the front door of the restaurant when we're home.....he loves people.....he loves us.....he tries like no other dog I've ever known to be a "good boy".  And if I cry he licks my face and watches me with his little Havanese Ears tilting his head to see what's wrong.  Corky needs us.  I imagine that there are very few people who would put up with peeing and fright juice on the couch....he's one of a kind....and we are blessed by our little "Golden Retriever".  Sorry, Gordon.....maybe next time.

 And now there's Charley.....there really isn't enough room in this blog to tell you how special this boy is to me.  He is my split-apart in a dog.  There's nothing he wouldn't do for me.  There's nothing I wouldn't do for him.

He was also at the pound....I remember him putting his back against the cage and looking up at me.  I know that took everything he had because he is so shy.  I then took him out and and we played ball....he sat on my foot and then layed on his back to show what a good boy he was.

I remember the day he met Gordon, and I was so worried how I would introduce them because he has never been very welcoming to new people in his life.  I was walking behind the both of them and he looked back at me with a giant smile as if to say "Yup, we like him".  I knew we were a family.

He fence fights, doesn't like kids, and is obsessed with balls and frisbees.....but he is the second greatest thing that has every happened to me.  If it is possible to share a soul with an animal, he shares mine.  He's been a friend, he's been a companion.  When I was first diagnosed with MS, and I was sick and weak, he was the one who knew I was getting better, and after weeks and weeks of not playing ball, one day he brought the ball to me, and I threw it.  He was the one who pushed me.  He's loved me thin, fat, poor, happy, sad, and now blissful goat herder.

So today we celebrate our boys, we thank Everett Animal Shelter for what they do and for bringing sweet Charley and Corky into our lives.  I believe in rescue....we thought we were rescuing them....but they rescued us.