What Forgiveness Looks Like

This is not anything I wanted to post on my blog....but it's mulling in my mind, and I guess I wanted to use this as a place to write my thoughts....a diary of sorts....I'm sorry if I'm sharing too much information....but it's part of what makes me me...and so I'll share....again, I apologize.
My dad has struggled with anger, alcoholism and Mental Illness all my life.  I thought he had become enlightened in the last few years.  He joined AA and went through the steps, we talked about the bad parts of my childhood, and I felt like we had all worked through that.  It turns out it was probably just his medication doing the work, quieting him down....making him easier to be around.
He hasn't been on his medication for a while, and has been gradually getting more and more like the dad we knew when we were little, controlling, abrasive, and angry.  This all came to a head for me when we had Thanksgiving at my house.  Gordon and I had planned to the finest detail....Gordon spent his day off cooking for my family....I decorated and baked....we were both excited about hosting our first holiday as a married couple.  It was beautiful...together we probably put Martha Stewart to shame.

 My dad was angry and needy....he disrespected my sister and I and my husband....the one who made the day possible....it ended with my dad sleeping in his car, but after he set off the alarm and woke us all up.  I was crestfallen....I realized nothing had changed, that we were back where we were when I was 10 and I felt 10.
And so...here we are 5 months later and I haven't spoken to him.
He called me yesterday and said he apologized for everything....raging for my entire life....the way he acted during Thanksgiving....everything.
So this started the conversation between Gordon and I about what forgiveness looks like.  I didn't want to....I felt like we would go through this all again....it's getting old.
But then we decided that if I didn't forgive him....it would be on me....my heart is the one that will shrivel up....my soul will pay the price....my wabi sabi life will suffer.
So I do
And does this mean we will ever host Thanksgiving again....we talked about how we set up the dogs, goats, ourselves to succeed.  We don't let the goats out without supervision....we cover the garbage when we leave the house so Charley will stay out....Gordon doesn't buy cookies unless he is sure that he is done with them because I will finish the box....and that is how I feel about my dad....I forgive....I will have him in my life....but we won't do things that make him feel on the attack and need to control....small doses.....that's the key
I love my husband for his wisdom....I love that he lets me be me....and guides me when I need it....this is why I think we will always be together....why he is a second part of my soul....why I am daily blessed by his presence in my life.  I am blessed by the health we share.

Thank you Gordon.