From the time that Charley and I first met at the Everett Animal Shelter in April of 2002, we have been inseparable...at times it has felt like him and I against the world....and we were happy....and content....a team....and I have always felt blessed.

And then one day, Gordon came to our house....and Charley....because he is a good judge of character....welcomed Gordon into our pack without a second thought....it was like Charley had been waiting for him his whole life....like we both were....and so we welcomed Gordon into our pack....and the 3 of us were happy.

And then....because I thought Charley should have an heir, we went to the Shelter again and found a sweet Havanese-Yorkie mix who was afraid of dogs, grass, stairs and loud noises....and we took him home because he was so cute....and Charley welcomed him, was a gracious host and has been great with having this little boy in our pack....and we were happy....

And so Corky grew and changed and our pack enjoyed our time together....and we loved each other and lived our little life.

And then our girls came....the plan was for Charley to have a job....but Mamma was protective and butted him....but we all learned to live together and love each other....and Corky played with the girls as much as a little dog can with goats....and parts of our hearts were opened by these beautiful girls....and we lost mamma, and we clung to each other even more.  Through all of this Charley continued to be gracious and seemed to enjoy this new part of our lives.....and we became a herd....and it was good.

And so....we decided to have a cat join our herd....and gracious Charley welcomed this calm, respectful, funny cat named Nigel into our herd.

And so....2 became 3....and 3 became 4....and 4 became 7.....and then 6....and now 7.....I am blessed that my companion who knows my heart better than me has embraced this "Herd Life" we have been blessed with.....and I am blessed by the love that each of the creatures I share my hill with and the joy that their presence gives me.

On the Right Track

Well....this story starts back in 2010....I was reading the book "Animal Vegetable Miracle" which had been recommended to me by my supervisor because I had a fantasy about having goats.  In this book I read about eating local, and learned, for the first time that you could make cheese in your own kitchen.  So....I had lost my job and was living with my best friend on 5 acres.  And so....in the midst of reading this book, I planted asparagus.....planted a garden which I spent all my time in....I learned to make cheese, pizza and experimented with jams....I became pretty good at these things.....and I think this was the first time in my life I started to find my passion.

Well....my friend had a girlfriend who lived on Whidbey Island.  This is where the conversation about Gordon started.  Her first time over, we talked about Whidbey Island, I told her I had an old friend who had a restaurant somewhere on the Island.  She asked me his name, and I told her it was Gordon....well....that was where that little thing in my heart started working...I'm not sure what I can call it but that "still small voice" that we follow....and when we follow it, things work out well.

And so....with her push....and by following the nagging in my soul, I reached out to him.  And in July we made a lunch plan.  As Gordon and I sat at Double Bluff Beach we talked, connected, and discovered that we were exactly where we were supposed to be....and another thing I learned was that food can make you quiver....and there are flavors I never knew existed.

What I loved most about this time "the courting" was that I learned from Gordon that dreams are real....and you need to dream....and when you dream you need to follow it with real plans....and when you do that....the sky is the limit.

Fast forward 2 years....after moving to the Island, marrying Gordon and becoming friends with a real goat farmer, Gordon got me 3 beautiful dairy goats for Christmas.

All this rambling to share that in the time since I connected with Gordon....married him....and moved to Whidbey Island I have had moments where things came together....where I am humbled by the fact that for some reason, the Universe has led me on a beautiful path....and because God takes care of fools and children, I have had my heart and soul and mind opened up in ways I never knew were possible.

And so our little "farm" is coming together....slowly....but in a way that works when you have limited resources and are building it up from scratch....and I have loved the journey.  And then a couple weeks ago I went to an event called "St. Disdaff's Day Spin In"....and it was there that this thing in my soul grew even more....I guess for the lack of a better word it is called passion.  The day I made my first batch of cheese, when I visited Little Brown Farm, and eventually got goats of our own, and then spinning fiber into yarn, are the moments that I knew exactly how Gordon felt the first time he really cooked....and how Julia Child felt when she got her letter from Knopf....passion but it's a passion for what you know you are meant to do.

Today at work a mom who's son has just started in our classroom and I were talking....she mentioned that she spun and we began a conversation about fiber, yarn, jams and Etsy.  We talked about "Living off the Fat of the Land"....I felt like Anne meeting Diana....and so I met someone who can teach me how to spin....and who seems to be a Kindred Spirit....as I was helping the friends in our class go to sleep, I realized that I can do the things I dream of.....there are ways to make concrete plans to make it so eventually I can be a "Full Time Farmer" spinning....making cheese and butter, beer and cider, growing beautiful flowers and veggies....spending time caring for the little patch of land I share with my talented, passionate husband and our growing herd.  And now I know that, I am...in fact...On the Right Track

....and all because two people fell in love

The Year of the Goats

So tonight I sit on my couch.....drinking martinis....watching the Twilight Zone Marathon I reflect on the past year and all that it has brought with it.  It was my first full year of life as a married woman.  It has been an absolute blessing to spend this year with a very special man who is a friend....a split apart....a guy who understands me more than anyone I have ever known....and he gets me completely....and yet he still seems to enjoy my company...and for that I am eternally grateful.

For Christmas last year, Gordon got me goats....and so a dream of decades came true.  And so this year, the focal point of the Stewarts was goats.  The first 3 months of the year were spent planning housing, building housing, figuring out where they should go, learning what goats do.  And then in March Layla, Daisy and Calendula came and joined our herd.  And I was in bliss.

What we learned was that all the books in the world can't show you what real life shows you.  And so in August our Layla got sick....well she had been sick....but she got sicker and I sat with her, called her "other mamma", prayed, talked to the vet and the heart wrenching decision was made to let her go.

And all this while I was at work....across the water....and I became angry....and our vet came back so I could be with her when her time came to leave us....and I left my car on the other side.

And so at 11 o'clock at night as our sweet mamma lay in her house...well her remains were there....I bawled in the ferry station saying I can't do this any more....We both can't work 60 hours a week and expect our goats to be OK....and so I gave notice and applied to 2 jobs on the Island....one I wanted, one with benefits but at a horrid place.

In the midst of this goat life, other things happened....we started talking about chickens....Gordon ran for "Mister South Whidbey" and the fair came and went, and I won a blue ribbon.....and we found a church home which only has helped us, as a couple and individuals....knowing and trusting in something....someone bigger than yourself only makes for a more peaceful existence.

We spent a long weekend at a lake by Mt. Ranier and our souls were renewed.  We sat at the lake with our dogs and did nothing else....Gordon fished, I read....and we just let our souls refill.

I took a job closer to home without the benefits I had grown accustomed to.  But I loved it....I love it....and I relish in the fact that I have a 15 minute commute.

Gordon became Mister South Whidbey.....we pressed apples and made hard cider....oh and for the first time in my life my tomatoes ripened....the rest of my garden was horrible....but the tomatoes were beautiful....next year will be better.  I had always thought I was a good gardener, it turns out I just had good soil....but you live and learn.

And so....as we come to the end of this amazing year....a year full of goats, dreams, hand made gifts, illness, sadness, joy, victories and clinging to each other as we have fierce conversations about difficult things....I think how we've grown....as a couple....as two people with strong wills and passions and minds of our own.  I'm grateful that in the balance of life, we have come out on top....continuing to be grateful for the beauty of our Island, our humble simple home filled with a garden that creates yummy peas and tomatoes and horrid stringy carrots, 2 dogs who enjoy frisbee, beaches, mushroom hunting and sitting on the couch....3 goats (2 still running around) who run and play when we let them out....who follow me everywhere and like to watch Charley catch frisbees and balls as Corky barks and runs.

I'm wiser....better....more in love....and grateful for each and every miracle I shared with my husband on this little hill between a bay and a highway....all kept together by my husband's passion and the restaurant that will always keep us away from each other on New Year's Eve.

Thank you Wabi Sabi Hill.....God....Gordon....Layla....Cali....Daisy.....Corky.....Charley....the Ferry...my Honey Bears for teaching me lessons and giving me so much to be grateful for.

The Longest Night of the Year

December is such a magical time of year....and the change of season is my favorite.  There is something magical about the way things are this time of year.
It's a time for silent reflection....for gratitude....a time to celebrate family, both our family of origin and our family of choice.

As a family Gordon and I work very hard to remember what this time is about....it's not about presents, it's about the sweetness of this time, about keeping Christmas in your heart.

And so this year we made our own gifts....felting, crocheting, sewing, baking, making Limoncello.  I've ordered a few things on line....none of which are here....but they will be....or they won't.

As a gift, Gordon had a customer who is also one of Santa's elves come over and meet the girls and find out what they'd like this season.

And so tonight....everything is not done....I yelled at a woman from UPS (it really is their fault)....I'm fighting a cold....and I'm sitting by my tree on the shortest night of the year and I am remembering all we have, and all I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful for my parents, my aunts uncles and cousins, my sister and her amazing children.

I'm grateful for my inlaws...the fact that we are all still here....able to tease each other and love each other....I'm thankful for the babies who've come into our lives this year (both our friends and families)....I'm thankful that all the babies I know who have come into this world this year have a circle of love and support and I never worry for their futures because they will be supported and loved and taught by adults who have their best interests in heart.

I'm grateful...as always....for my amazing husband and his smile....his support and his love.  I'm thankful that when I am sick he does all he can to help me get better....he even says to me "Today will be a resting day....don't do anything."

And so I ramble...sitting on my couch surrounded by my sweet boys and my girls are in their house warm and cozy....waiting....waiting....for Spring, for Santa Paws, for us to play with them.  My husband is at work doing what he does and we wait and prepare for our Holiday Celebration.  And we are grateful for this quiet gentle life we share.

Princesses

On Sunday I was with my husband having my birthday tea, wearing a tiara and we were discussing getting a princess book for our friend who's going to have a baby girl this year.  We discussed whether the mom would want her daughter to have a princess book, and I remembered when I worked as a Director at a Childcare Center in Burlington and I got it in my head that the little girls shouldn't play "princess".

My thinking was that fairy tales aren't real....and the "handsome prince" is never going to come and rescue you....so there's no point using your imagination on such frivality.....that girls need to be strong and take care of themselves....they must know that they are the ones who will rescue them...they can't rely on some "guy" to do it.  I very quickly changed this for the simple fact that all children need fantasy, and imagination and dragons and dinosaurs and crowns and capes and all the things that make childhood what it is.

But.....if I were to be completely honest with myself....what made me so opposed to "princess play"?  I loved it as a child.  I would spend hours standing on the hearth of our fireplace lip synching to "Cinderella", "Snow White", "The Wizard of Oz" and dancing to "The Music Box Dancer" or acting out "Little House on the Prairie" (this was in between lining up my stuffed animals and giving them names and taking attendance).....fantasy was my whole life.  Pretending that I was a beautiful princess, or a strong prairie girl with a dog who didn't need a leash was what I clung to.....I was waiting for my prince to come....and to rescue me....and I certainly wanted to "Live Happily Ever After".....or at least make my own butter and be with a dog who didn't need a leash.

And so my life moved on....and as a socially awkward chubby girl with weird wavy hair I quickly learned that "Love was meant for beauty  queens....and not ugly duckling girls like me".....and I soon figured out that there was never going to be a prince on his steed who was going to sweep me up and take me to his castle.  And so I think I got a little bitter.  In my twenties my friends all married and I felt just a little stuck and still awkward, and so I went to gay bars with my friends....went to school got a job with a retirement plan because again I knew.....I wasn't going to find "true love" so I better take care of myself....I would have guy friends....but not a guy who loved me more than anything....certainly I was not destined to ever be someone's princess.....and my handsome prince was going to be a beautiful red dog with a fox tail who DID love me more than anyone else (and he didn't need a leash)....and I think I was content....but jaded....and certainly against any idea of "Princesses and Princes".

But then....when I was about to turn 40.....everything changed......my prince came.....he took me to a magical land that I was carried to by "ferries"....he had a gray "steed" and he showed me that dreams do come true.....I had forgotten.....he turned me into a believer.  I even got to be a "princess" for a day at our beautiful wedding.  And our "Happily Ever After" consists of goats who will be milkers....and we will make cheese with that milk....and dogs without leashes.....and cider presses and mushroom kits......our castle is a little yellow house that doesn't hold much heat and hardly has any storage....but it's "our'n" and we love it.....and yes things aren't perfect....but what is?  And he even wears his crown and has a robe.

So I wish I could go back to 36 year old Kaycee thinking she was doing right by the girls in her center and say, "Dreaming is good"....certainly Disney is too commercial....but princesses aren't bad....it's the kind of play that you only get once in a lifetime.....and just because the dream isn't exactly like it is in the books....it's still a dream.....and it's what makes a girl powerful and beautiful.....and yes there is disappointment.....but life IS beautiful....and if you quiet down and listen, you can find the beauty....and you can dream....and your dreams can change....but they can come true.....and there is a "Somewhere over the Rainbow"....and it can be right in our own backyard.

Thank You St Francis

Today was the day we celebrate St Francis.  He is certainly my favorite saint....I believe he probably was a little Wabi Sabi.....he certainly didn't fit in...he preached to birds.....and he believed in Social Justice.  He is someone I certainly connect with.

And so today in church they talked about him....and this afternoon they had a Blessing of the Animals.  And so I brought Charley and Corky back to church....sweet Charley loves our church yard....I like to think he loves peaceful places....he quiets down and seems solemn.

And so Charley, Corky and I went to the Blessing....we read and responded....we prayed and Charley and Corky were blessed by our Priest....who is an animal lover himself....as we prayed together as a group for animals and creatures everywhere....those who are lost, or suffering, or dying....and I thought of my sweet Layla who has left us...and I thought of the boys who are my charges and all they do for us.  As I took in the beautiful surrounds of our church grounds...the statue of St. Francis....the trees the people.  And someone asked if the blessing helps animals go to Heaven....what is this for?  I thought about that while we read and prayed and repeated....why do I do this?  It's my covenant with my creatures.....it's what reminds me the pact I made with them....when I saw each of them in the shelter....the promise.....I guess that I made to their Creator.....that I would care for them, I would give them warm places to sleep, I would keep them clean and brushed and fed and most of all I would just be the place where they can be safe, and have fun, and know that they are free of any fear or danger or harm.  That is why I bring my boys, and wish I could bring the girls....to remind me of my promise to them....and to thank them for the promise they have made to me....to be with me, listen to me, keep me safe.....and walk with Gordon and I on this journey.
And when the time comes, I will be with my boys.....I will hold their head in my lap and I will kiss them, and thank them, and wish them well as they leave this life they had with me.
And the other part of St. Francis for me, is his prayer, and how I have a covenant with the other beings around me....to help them....to co-exist and be a "part of the solution" in this very dark and frightening world.
"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.  Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.  Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled and to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.  For it is giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and is in dying that we are born to eternal life."  That is his prayer.....and I think that if Charley prayed in the way we do, this would be his prayer.
And so as I picked apples, he ran in the field and played I watched him enjoy this beautiful day and I thanked his Creator for entrusting us with a beautiful red dog named Charley, a goofy blonde boy named Corky, a strong willed goat name Cali and a sweet goofy girl named Daisy and a bigger than life chef who believes in my dreams so much that they become my own, and helps to make them possible.

Summertime

I came home today a little bit sad.  Fall is my favorite time of year, but this year I find myself a wee bit sorry to see it end.  It's been a Summer beyond measure.  I think this Summer I've learned so much.....we've learned so much.  I learned that sand really needs a lot more support to help things grow....but I've still loved my little garden....and next year I'll be better prepared....however....I also had my first crop of tomatoes that actually turned red....the first year of my gardening life that I have had a surplus of tomatoes.....made me a little proud.

So tonight I came home, let the girls out and I said good bye to our little garden with the ripe red tomatoes (well, those have been eaten).....I smelled the leaves and thanked our little garden for how hard it worked....the girls hovered....hoping for a bite of the things I was picking and pulling.....they enjoyed what we called "goat corn" because it never really got big, but they liked it, and there were lots of corn leaves for them to eat....and we got a couple cobs out of....and Gordon and I savored those few cobs like they were oysters, fresh out of the sea....and we were content.

I looked at Layla's corner, and I thought of the other lessons we learned this Summer.....how we learned that goats break your heart even if you haven't known them that long.....we learned a bit more about saying good bye more about parasites than any book we could have read, or did read.  I also learned to trust our girls and they learned to trust us.....we've become a heard.

I also learned about priorities....that having a full-time job with a 3 hour commute isn't really conducive to goat farming....or garden tending.....or "nest feathering"....I learned that my husband supports the decisions I make....even if he wouldn't make the same decisions....he supports and loves me beyond anything I deserve or could ever dream of.

So I stood in my weedy end of season garden smelling tomato plants....surrounded by my dogs and 2 sweet goats and I listened to the geese fly over....and then I realized the new stage is coming....I have a new job where I am closer to home...and feel content....and coming soon our girls will get pregnant....and we will go through our first winter as goat people and we will watch them change and grow....and in the Spring there will be new goats on our hill and we will learn even more new things that you really can't read about....you have to experience.  And maybe one of those babies will have markings like their grandma, and we will smile about the "circle of life".... and then we'll start milking, and the dream will come to fruition.....and in the midst of all of this we will order new seeds, and make new garden plans....and we will try again.....smarter....with greater understanding of the pros and cons of our little hill.....and because we are who we are....we'll cling to each other and smile and laugh and cry through all of it....because that is who we are....so good bye Summer.....thank you for an splendiferous time together.....we look forward to meeting you again....wiser.....calmer....better prepared.

Oh.....and now it's time to celebrate the apple bounty here on our hill.....and all the things that go along with that....including a splendiferous early Birthday gift that will just add to the fun here on our little hill....stay tuned :)